Spare the rod, spoil the child

I believe this to be true. A child needs correction if he is to understand the love of God. The goal of correction is to lead them to repentance. And repentance leads them to restored relationship. There must be a payment for sin, or the guilt remains, and this mars the relationship.

I would like to suggest here, though, that the 'rod' looks different for each child. My 10yo, Becca, needs only a glance or a word of reproof and she's already heading into repentance. Each child's unique personality and spiritual bent must be considered in the planning of discipline or chastisement. But for Asperger's there is more to be considered. I NEVER got a good response from spanking Jon. I never saw repentance as the result of spanking. Anger was the usual result, and he would dig in his heels more than ever. He would scream as if I was torturing him. During the time period between age 5 and 8 I thought for certain that I must be the most awful parent ever. I began to despair of ever reaching this child. I didn't understand him. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't appear to speak your language?

I'm still not certain I know how to answer these questions, conclusively. When he's not agitated it is much easier, of course. I have learned to address issues with him when he's 'out of the moment.' This requires a good bit of forethought on my part, if I'm going to address it before it happens. There's a good bit of tug-0-war, even in those in-between moments.

So if the purpose of discipline is to lead him to repentance, what does that rod look like for him?
1. I must be reasonable
2. I must not raise my voice
3. The discipline must match the crime
4. I must allow for a LOT of extra time for him to process
5. I must allow for him to have time alone to process

He must also be presented with the 'wrong' he has done, but this usually follows the long process of settling down. You've heard of berserkers, right? Consider that the Asperger's child is berserk in those highly emotional moments. They can't see, they can't hear - they are simply driven. They may not even remember correctly how they acted during those moments. So, Moms, we must wait. But he cannot repent of something he doesn't see is wrong. The Scripture is the best way to present it, I've found, for Jon. But this has come with his age. We must be very careful not to 'beat' them with the Book. If the Scripture is only used to show 'wrong,' we're setting up a good grounds for rebellion. Purpose must be given to time showing the 'right' he has done too. But again, these moments must come 'in-between.' The best time I've seen is at bed time. When everyone else is quiet, he can listen to me easier. There is also call for drawing out the good thing he just did, in the moment. But this requires discernment from us in how to address the instances.

I'll conclude with a link to a song. This is one of Jon's favorite songs of late. It clearly expresses his desire to do what is right but the feeling that he has been 'stuck'.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/breakingthehabit.html

Please keep in mind that this is not a Christian song. Nevertheless, it expresses Asperger's quite clearly.