Behavior Modification

This is touchy one. As Christians, we want heart change, not just behavior modification. The ODD site I just listed indicates that behavior modification is the goal. Because of my experience with Jon and several other people who are most likely A.S., I had to seriously take a look at this subject. There were many times that I felt I MUST go for behavior modification because I felt that I could not reach his heart.

The fact is, his heart is right out there on his sleeve sometimes, and other times it's stuffed away behind his odd behaviors, which are often antagonistic. Through trial and error and a LOT of prayer, I have found that I can 'catch' those moments when his heart is available to me. The other times I must pray that his heart is still available to God. (Keep in mind this is not a doctor diagnosis - I pegged ODD from my own research and found it to be consistent with Jon's behavior.)

So although the previous site claims behavior modification to be the goal, I do not accept that as my goal. I want the heart change, which we often do not see at first, to precede the outward changes. Their suggestions, however, are still the best I got in helping to manage his explosive behavior. (Before that, my consistency suffered, because nothing seemed to work.)

That said, with smaller children especially, sometimes the heart has to 'see' the result of the better behavior before it will respond. Because A.S. is a social disorder, they really can't tell how they affect others until, in a rare moment, a 'window' is opened. (Jon often doesn't see until I'm crying.) How is that window opened? I don't know! I think it is through prayer. We parents must be vigilant so that we don't miss those windows in our frustration and sometimes even our despair.

Adult aspies will often tell you that they must use behavior modification as they learn how to conduct themselves in a group setting. They might forget, for example, to greet people and, instead, they'll just launch into a conversation, sometimes without regard for your 'space bubble.' I know of a lady who is like this. In her, though, these oddities have become endearing. I guess this is because she is older and her Christian character is so evident. Anyway, they have to modify their behavior based on practice. "Remember to greet everyone and ask how they are. Then listen to their response and give one back." If they don't rehearse it, it doesn't happen. Behavior modification.

On that note, rehearsing things with your A.S. child is quite helpful. If an offensive behavior is noted, you can rehearse with them (immediately, in the moment) a 'correct' method. I must warn you that if you start this you must be prepared to go long. It takes a long time and a lot of rehearsing. And I like that the ODD site says to 'target' certain behaviors rather than ALL of them. Just one or two will do. Then move on to another one when those first ones are under better control.

As an example, if your child throws things because he wants your attention, you can stop what you are doing and demonstrate how he/she can get your attention in a better way, say by putting his hand on your hip and waiting for a response from you. I can hear some of you saying, 'ri-i-ght!'. It works, it just takes a lot of practice. And your friends will simply have to understand why you gave your attention to the child in the middle of their conversation.

One more thought on this subject. You need a break sometimes. This kind of child rearing is tiring and often frustrating. You need to have a moment or two to have a complete conversation or to go out of the house and have a cup of coffee with a friend for an hour or two. This is crucial for your own sanity. Don't despair of ever getting that break. Pray. God WILL supply. And it WILL get easier. Stay the course.