Literally Speaking, Take 2

Jon's literal interpretation of what he sees and what people say are often the point of contest in our home. There are a few factors that, no matter how much instruction he receives, remain the same:

1. His perception of an event is the only one he can accept. Perhaps this will change with further instruction and encouragement.
2. If it's not reasonable to him, it doesn't count.

I'm learning how to address some of these issues. If I tell him to do something, I need to include "don't eat the daisies." This has become a helpful phrase for him, to remind him to look for 'the rest of the picture.' If I tell him to wash the dishes, I need to add to that statement that he must wash everything that remains on the counter top. And that 'these particular things' can't go in the dishwasher. In order to help him understand, it's not too much to ask that I include everything in the instructions.

However, he must learn to look past his literal tendency and 'see' what else there is. How is that accomplished? Well, I'm working on it. Once, for instance, when I asked him to wash the dishes and he ONLY washed the dishes, leaving a whole BUNCH of stuff behind, I explained it to him this way. If he asked me to make him hotdogs for dinner and I only gave him the hotdogs, on a fork, he would ask where the buns were, and the cheese, and the plate, and maybe some Bush's Beans, and a salad...you get the picture. He understood, in that moment, what I meant. It just needs to keep coming up.

Part of the problem with this is that he knows. On some level, he knows it, so when I remind him sometimes, he responds with irritation. So, when to remind and when NOT to remind, that is the question. If I send him on the task with the statement, "Let's see if you can follow the spirit of the law in this," then I can leave it alone, and only talk to him again afterwards. Of course, instruction in the difference between the Letter and the Spirit is necessary to make this work - repeated instruction.

There are some times, however, when he is agitated, no matter what. What do I do then? I tell him I'll talk to him later, when he is more reasonable, and I walk away. Arguing with a child is not appropriate anyway, but with Asperger's, if you insist on your position in that moment, they simply dig their heels in. With such high activity in his brain, he needs time for an actual PHYSICAL decompression. When he's reasonable, later, the issue MUST be addressed again. If it is not, then, in his mind, the original request/requirement was apparently not reasonable...

Another situation arises from what he sees. If someone runs into him, and appeared to be 'looking at him' then it was done on purpose. It is nearly impossible to convince him, especially if he was hurt in the process, that the other person didn't MEAN to do it. And you know, if I wasn't there, how do I know? It's a very frustrating and difficult situation. So, I've learned to deal with this one, in part, by addressing it OUT of the moment. Before it happens. Because with 5 boys in my house, you know it is going to happen. Some of this instruction is to Jon, and the rest is to the others. They have such a hard time with this, because, in their eyes, he never forgives them. Augh! Talk about tug-0-war! In many cases, they are right, because he can't see a different side to his position.

As he's gotten older, now 13, he is beginning to address these situations a little better. He still gets into it, but he cools off faster and then goes and tries to resolve the issue, usually. Huzza for him! When I see this, I always take a moment to commend him in private. Never, never, never, reprimand, or commend on a difficult issue in public - and public includes members of the family. However, commend as often as possible when others can hear, if the issue is appropriate. Like my old Sunday School teacher used to say, "Catch them doing something right."

The summary of all of this is:
1. Be consistent
2. Treat them with respect
3. Use a reasonable tone of voice
4. Pray, pray, pray, pray. And pray some more. For them and with them.