It is a common symptom of autism that the child cannot make eye contact. There is something about the eyes that greatly disturbs them. I can't help but wonder if they have a more intense view of the soul, one that we could not bear to look at either. Interesting thought, but without foundation.
Although I can't speak to all of A.S., my Jon has always needed eye contact and the opportunity to respond verbally to any commands that are given. I remember when he was around 6 or 7, we would often comment that his eyes looked as if they were spiralling. There was, apparently, too much activity in his mind to maintain good eye contact. It was only at the moment that I could get his eyes to lock on mine that I knew I finally had his attention. If I didn't, I would not be heard. Nor would he even remember that I had spoken to him.
I have often thought that reaching his soul would be through his eyes. For that reason, I make certain that we make eye contact as often as possible, so that he can 'read' me and I can 'read' him. Without it, there seems to be no understanding between us. Even with this, we are often at an impasse. It is of the utmost importance that he 'see' the Spirit of God in my soul. Quite a challenge for Mom, who sometimes just wants to 'back off' and not face the confrontation.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's a Family Matter
Dr. Klindt told us that A.S. is rarely an individual condition. Rather, it is in the family line. I see it in different ways in our family. One man is very stiff in all his pictures, like he is uncomfortable with his body and doesn't quite know what to do with it. One child appears to have absolutely no understanding of how her behavior affects others. A consequence of this is that blame is always placed on the other person. Another girl took a whole week to forgive herself, because she couldn't let go of something everyone had forgiven her for (and her original action was not intended to do harm). Aspies are often prone to addictions, because of their hyper focus. Oddities in speech are common. Long monologues that do not take into consideration that the other person was 'not available' or not listening.
All of these can be explained by other things...selfishness, childishness, not paying attention, sin nature...
It shows up in different ways, and is often not recognized as a 'symptom' until you have one child who is OBVIOUSLY A.S. Then behaviors in the others make a little more sense. My Becca had trouble with splitting her words in half. With coaching, she has overcome it, but occasionally it reappears.
That said, have any of you noticed anything odd about me...???? I can't help but wonder if my own perception is colored by A.S., since it is, after all, in my family line. So if it is, how would I know...?
Hm.
All of these can be explained by other things...selfishness, childishness, not paying attention, sin nature...
It shows up in different ways, and is often not recognized as a 'symptom' until you have one child who is OBVIOUSLY A.S. Then behaviors in the others make a little more sense. My Becca had trouble with splitting her words in half. With coaching, she has overcome it, but occasionally it reappears.
That said, have any of you noticed anything odd about me...???? I can't help but wonder if my own perception is colored by A.S., since it is, after all, in my family line. So if it is, how would I know...?
Hm.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Kudos
I asked Jon today if he would like to say anything on the blog. He said the only thing he would say is 'do what my Mom does.' I almost cried. He said that in everything he knows that my goal is to help him succeed.
What a milestone! Keep on, Moms! Don't give up hope for God's transforming power.
What a milestone! Keep on, Moms! Don't give up hope for God's transforming power.
Behavior Modification
This is touchy one. As Christians, we want heart change, not just behavior modification. The ODD site I just listed indicates that behavior modification is the goal. Because of my experience with Jon and several other people who are most likely A.S., I had to seriously take a look at this subject. There were many times that I felt I MUST go for behavior modification because I felt that I could not reach his heart.
The fact is, his heart is right out there on his sleeve sometimes, and other times it's stuffed away behind his odd behaviors, which are often antagonistic. Through trial and error and a LOT of prayer, I have found that I can 'catch' those moments when his heart is available to me. The other times I must pray that his heart is still available to God. (Keep in mind this is not a doctor diagnosis - I pegged ODD from my own research and found it to be consistent with Jon's behavior.)
So although the previous site claims behavior modification to be the goal, I do not accept that as my goal. I want the heart change, which we often do not see at first, to precede the outward changes. Their suggestions, however, are still the best I got in helping to manage his explosive behavior. (Before that, my consistency suffered, because nothing seemed to work.)
That said, with smaller children especially, sometimes the heart has to 'see' the result of the better behavior before it will respond. Because A.S. is a social disorder, they really can't tell how they affect others until, in a rare moment, a 'window' is opened. (Jon often doesn't see until I'm crying.) How is that window opened? I don't know! I think it is through prayer. We parents must be vigilant so that we don't miss those windows in our frustration and sometimes even our despair.
Adult aspies will often tell you that they must use behavior modification as they learn how to conduct themselves in a group setting. They might forget, for example, to greet people and, instead, they'll just launch into a conversation, sometimes without regard for your 'space bubble.' I know of a lady who is like this. In her, though, these oddities have become endearing. I guess this is because she is older and her Christian character is so evident. Anyway, they have to modify their behavior based on practice. "Remember to greet everyone and ask how they are. Then listen to their response and give one back." If they don't rehearse it, it doesn't happen. Behavior modification.
On that note, rehearsing things with your A.S. child is quite helpful. If an offensive behavior is noted, you can rehearse with them (immediately, in the moment) a 'correct' method. I must warn you that if you start this you must be prepared to go long. It takes a long time and a lot of rehearsing. And I like that the ODD site says to 'target' certain behaviors rather than ALL of them. Just one or two will do. Then move on to another one when those first ones are under better control.
As an example, if your child throws things because he wants your attention, you can stop what you are doing and demonstrate how he/she can get your attention in a better way, say by putting his hand on your hip and waiting for a response from you. I can hear some of you saying, 'ri-i-ght!'. It works, it just takes a lot of practice. And your friends will simply have to understand why you gave your attention to the child in the middle of their conversation.
One more thought on this subject. You need a break sometimes. This kind of child rearing is tiring and often frustrating. You need to have a moment or two to have a complete conversation or to go out of the house and have a cup of coffee with a friend for an hour or two. This is crucial for your own sanity. Don't despair of ever getting that break. Pray. God WILL supply. And it WILL get easier. Stay the course.
The fact is, his heart is right out there on his sleeve sometimes, and other times it's stuffed away behind his odd behaviors, which are often antagonistic. Through trial and error and a LOT of prayer, I have found that I can 'catch' those moments when his heart is available to me. The other times I must pray that his heart is still available to God. (Keep in mind this is not a doctor diagnosis - I pegged ODD from my own research and found it to be consistent with Jon's behavior.)
So although the previous site claims behavior modification to be the goal, I do not accept that as my goal. I want the heart change, which we often do not see at first, to precede the outward changes. Their suggestions, however, are still the best I got in helping to manage his explosive behavior. (Before that, my consistency suffered, because nothing seemed to work.)
That said, with smaller children especially, sometimes the heart has to 'see' the result of the better behavior before it will respond. Because A.S. is a social disorder, they really can't tell how they affect others until, in a rare moment, a 'window' is opened. (Jon often doesn't see until I'm crying.) How is that window opened? I don't know! I think it is through prayer. We parents must be vigilant so that we don't miss those windows in our frustration and sometimes even our despair.
Adult aspies will often tell you that they must use behavior modification as they learn how to conduct themselves in a group setting. They might forget, for example, to greet people and, instead, they'll just launch into a conversation, sometimes without regard for your 'space bubble.' I know of a lady who is like this. In her, though, these oddities have become endearing. I guess this is because she is older and her Christian character is so evident. Anyway, they have to modify their behavior based on practice. "Remember to greet everyone and ask how they are. Then listen to their response and give one back." If they don't rehearse it, it doesn't happen. Behavior modification.
On that note, rehearsing things with your A.S. child is quite helpful. If an offensive behavior is noted, you can rehearse with them (immediately, in the moment) a 'correct' method. I must warn you that if you start this you must be prepared to go long. It takes a long time and a lot of rehearsing. And I like that the ODD site says to 'target' certain behaviors rather than ALL of them. Just one or two will do. Then move on to another one when those first ones are under better control.
As an example, if your child throws things because he wants your attention, you can stop what you are doing and demonstrate how he/she can get your attention in a better way, say by putting his hand on your hip and waiting for a response from you. I can hear some of you saying, 'ri-i-ght!'. It works, it just takes a lot of practice. And your friends will simply have to understand why you gave your attention to the child in the middle of their conversation.
One more thought on this subject. You need a break sometimes. This kind of child rearing is tiring and often frustrating. You need to have a moment or two to have a complete conversation or to go out of the house and have a cup of coffee with a friend for an hour or two. This is crucial for your own sanity. Don't despair of ever getting that break. Pray. God WILL supply. And it WILL get easier. Stay the course.
My old ODD site
I found the site I used so long ago. I found it to be quite helpful on several counts.
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm
The description of ODD was so accurate it was scary.
Then they have a link to "What can be done" if you scroll down a bit. This section shows what we, as parents, teachers, anyone of influence in the child's circle, can do to make ODD 'not work'. The 1-2-3 Magic was very helpful to me.
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm
The description of ODD was so accurate it was scary.
Then they have a link to "What can be done" if you scroll down a bit. This section shows what we, as parents, teachers, anyone of influence in the child's circle, can do to make ODD 'not work'. The 1-2-3 Magic was very helpful to me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
In response to an email
I wrote this in response to an email and then thought it might be helpful here, too:
Technically, I think Asperger’s is defined by brain activity. We could not afford the brain scan, but the doc was used to interviewing kids with the disorder and said Jon was definitely Asperger’s but not an extreme case. The diagnosis included ADHD. I often wondered how you can have hyper-focus with inability to focus, but apparently it’s a common combination.
The reason AS kids are so emotional is because there is too little (or was it too much?) blood flow to the frontal lobe. This is the emotion center of the brain and why we often refer to teens as needing a lobotomy. Ha!
The other center of the brain is the Singlet. I don’t remember now if it was too much or too little blood flow, but it was the opposite of the frontal lobe. There might be some more info at the doc’s website…Dr. Klindt.
This part of my research was done some time ago. I still have a binder on it, but I’m not sure if the research has been updated.
Most people have blue/green brain scans with a little yellow, orange and maybe some red. AS kids have mostly red, with a little yellow and orange, and then some blue and green. Their brains are ‘hot zones.’
Remember the nutty professor? He missed his wedding because he was so focused on his experiment…that’s Asperger’s! He really loved her and wanted to marry her but he was so absorbed in what he was doing. It was hard for her to understand.
The thing about Asperger’s that makes it so hard for society is that it is a broad spectrum. You can have a mostly normal person with a few oddities, or you can have a child who is nearly defined as Autistic, and can hardly communicate. On the continuum, Jon is to right of center, more normal. Diane’s Jonah is to the left of center, perhaps, but I’ve seen him in his more normal states.
Dr. Dobson indicates that boys have a hormone shift somewhere between 6 and 8. This makes sense to me, observing Jon. His worst time was between those ages. And Jonah seems to be following that pattern as well. And now Jon is 13…he’s doing well, but it is still a daily struggle. Not anything like it was back then, though. I just keep wondering, what will happen when the next hormone shift occurs?
Perhaps I am not the only reason we stopped eating meat with hormones in it…maybe God led us into this for Jon, too.
If you research ODD, however, they had a website a long time ago with a list of 10 things on it. If you had 8 or more symptoms, you had ODD. Jon had all 10. He still tends to oppose everything I request, require or in any other way ask of him. If I can reason him into it, he accepts it. If I can help him come up with the idea himself, that is WAY better.
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630/DSECTION=2
Technically, I think Asperger’s is defined by brain activity. We could not afford the brain scan, but the doc was used to interviewing kids with the disorder and said Jon was definitely Asperger’s but not an extreme case. The diagnosis included ADHD. I often wondered how you can have hyper-focus with inability to focus, but apparently it’s a common combination.
The reason AS kids are so emotional is because there is too little (or was it too much?) blood flow to the frontal lobe. This is the emotion center of the brain and why we often refer to teens as needing a lobotomy. Ha!
The other center of the brain is the Singlet. I don’t remember now if it was too much or too little blood flow, but it was the opposite of the frontal lobe. There might be some more info at the doc’s website…Dr. Klindt.
This part of my research was done some time ago. I still have a binder on it, but I’m not sure if the research has been updated.
Most people have blue/green brain scans with a little yellow, orange and maybe some red. AS kids have mostly red, with a little yellow and orange, and then some blue and green. Their brains are ‘hot zones.’
Remember the nutty professor? He missed his wedding because he was so focused on his experiment…that’s Asperger’s! He really loved her and wanted to marry her but he was so absorbed in what he was doing. It was hard for her to understand.
The thing about Asperger’s that makes it so hard for society is that it is a broad spectrum. You can have a mostly normal person with a few oddities, or you can have a child who is nearly defined as Autistic, and can hardly communicate. On the continuum, Jon is to right of center, more normal. Diane’s Jonah is to the left of center, perhaps, but I’ve seen him in his more normal states.
Dr. Dobson indicates that boys have a hormone shift somewhere between 6 and 8. This makes sense to me, observing Jon. His worst time was between those ages. And Jonah seems to be following that pattern as well. And now Jon is 13…he’s doing well, but it is still a daily struggle. Not anything like it was back then, though. I just keep wondering, what will happen when the next hormone shift occurs?
Perhaps I am not the only reason we stopped eating meat with hormones in it…maybe God led us into this for Jon, too.
If you research ODD, however, they had a website a long time ago with a list of 10 things on it. If you had 8 or more symptoms, you had ODD. Jon had all 10. He still tends to oppose everything I request, require or in any other way ask of him. If I can reason him into it, he accepts it. If I can help him come up with the idea himself, that is WAY better.
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630/DSECTION=2
Calvin and Hobbes
I tried to find a site that showed some of the clips I've seen that reminded me of Jon...here's one that almost made the grade:
http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm
When we went to see Dr. Kindt in CA, there were C & H books all over the lobby. Curious, I picked one up and began to read. (Believe it or not, I'd never read one!) One comic strip after the other struck me as "Wow! That's Jon!" I showed them to my husband, who laughed in agreement. Guess Dr. Klindt thought so too.
http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm
When we went to see Dr. Kindt in CA, there were C & H books all over the lobby. Curious, I picked one up and began to read. (Believe it or not, I'd never read one!) One comic strip after the other struck me as "Wow! That's Jon!" I showed them to my husband, who laughed in agreement. Guess Dr. Klindt thought so too.
Web Help
I've posted some new links that might be helpful for those of you who have an A.S. child. I have not gone over these sites in detail, and when I do, I might eliminate some. In the meantime, take this as a disclaimer. I thought, however, that it might be helpful to have something up quickly for those of you who are asking questions. I know I felt that if I didn't get help quick I might not make it through.
The Voice of Truth
The best way to dispel lies is with the truth. In light of that, here's another favorite song of Jon's:
http://www.anychristianlyrics.com/index.php?cmd=6&recid=36
The writer of this song shares his testimony - he was ADD/ADHD and grew up with the sense that he was somehow flawed. This is his statement of what God can do with someone who struggles with himself.
http://www.anychristianlyrics.com/index.php?cmd=6&recid=36
The writer of this song shares his testimony - he was ADD/ADHD and grew up with the sense that he was somehow flawed. This is his statement of what God can do with someone who struggles with himself.
Spare the rod, spoil the child
I believe this to be true. A child needs correction if he is to understand the love of God. The goal of correction is to lead them to repentance. And repentance leads them to restored relationship. There must be a payment for sin, or the guilt remains, and this mars the relationship.
I would like to suggest here, though, that the 'rod' looks different for each child. My 10yo, Becca, needs only a glance or a word of reproof and she's already heading into repentance. Each child's unique personality and spiritual bent must be considered in the planning of discipline or chastisement. But for Asperger's there is more to be considered. I NEVER got a good response from spanking Jon. I never saw repentance as the result of spanking. Anger was the usual result, and he would dig in his heels more than ever. He would scream as if I was torturing him. During the time period between age 5 and 8 I thought for certain that I must be the most awful parent ever. I began to despair of ever reaching this child. I didn't understand him. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't appear to speak your language?
I'm still not certain I know how to answer these questions, conclusively. When he's not agitated it is much easier, of course. I have learned to address issues with him when he's 'out of the moment.' This requires a good bit of forethought on my part, if I'm going to address it before it happens. There's a good bit of tug-0-war, even in those in-between moments.
So if the purpose of discipline is to lead him to repentance, what does that rod look like for him?
1. I must be reasonable
2. I must not raise my voice
3. The discipline must match the crime
4. I must allow for a LOT of extra time for him to process
5. I must allow for him to have time alone to process
He must also be presented with the 'wrong' he has done, but this usually follows the long process of settling down. You've heard of berserkers, right? Consider that the Asperger's child is berserk in those highly emotional moments. They can't see, they can't hear - they are simply driven. They may not even remember correctly how they acted during those moments. So, Moms, we must wait. But he cannot repent of something he doesn't see is wrong. The Scripture is the best way to present it, I've found, for Jon. But this has come with his age. We must be very careful not to 'beat' them with the Book. If the Scripture is only used to show 'wrong,' we're setting up a good grounds for rebellion. Purpose must be given to time showing the 'right' he has done too. But again, these moments must come 'in-between.' The best time I've seen is at bed time. When everyone else is quiet, he can listen to me easier. There is also call for drawing out the good thing he just did, in the moment. But this requires discernment from us in how to address the instances.
I'll conclude with a link to a song. This is one of Jon's favorite songs of late. It clearly expresses his desire to do what is right but the feeling that he has been 'stuck'.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/breakingthehabit.html
Please keep in mind that this is not a Christian song. Nevertheless, it expresses Asperger's quite clearly.
I would like to suggest here, though, that the 'rod' looks different for each child. My 10yo, Becca, needs only a glance or a word of reproof and she's already heading into repentance. Each child's unique personality and spiritual bent must be considered in the planning of discipline or chastisement. But for Asperger's there is more to be considered. I NEVER got a good response from spanking Jon. I never saw repentance as the result of spanking. Anger was the usual result, and he would dig in his heels more than ever. He would scream as if I was torturing him. During the time period between age 5 and 8 I thought for certain that I must be the most awful parent ever. I began to despair of ever reaching this child. I didn't understand him. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't appear to speak your language?
I'm still not certain I know how to answer these questions, conclusively. When he's not agitated it is much easier, of course. I have learned to address issues with him when he's 'out of the moment.' This requires a good bit of forethought on my part, if I'm going to address it before it happens. There's a good bit of tug-0-war, even in those in-between moments.
So if the purpose of discipline is to lead him to repentance, what does that rod look like for him?
1. I must be reasonable
2. I must not raise my voice
3. The discipline must match the crime
4. I must allow for a LOT of extra time for him to process
5. I must allow for him to have time alone to process
He must also be presented with the 'wrong' he has done, but this usually follows the long process of settling down. You've heard of berserkers, right? Consider that the Asperger's child is berserk in those highly emotional moments. They can't see, they can't hear - they are simply driven. They may not even remember correctly how they acted during those moments. So, Moms, we must wait. But he cannot repent of something he doesn't see is wrong. The Scripture is the best way to present it, I've found, for Jon. But this has come with his age. We must be very careful not to 'beat' them with the Book. If the Scripture is only used to show 'wrong,' we're setting up a good grounds for rebellion. Purpose must be given to time showing the 'right' he has done too. But again, these moments must come 'in-between.' The best time I've seen is at bed time. When everyone else is quiet, he can listen to me easier. There is also call for drawing out the good thing he just did, in the moment. But this requires discernment from us in how to address the instances.
I'll conclude with a link to a song. This is one of Jon's favorite songs of late. It clearly expresses his desire to do what is right but the feeling that he has been 'stuck'.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/breakingthehabit.html
Please keep in mind that this is not a Christian song. Nevertheless, it expresses Asperger's quite clearly.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Literally Speaking, Take 2
Jon's literal interpretation of what he sees and what people say are often the point of contest in our home. There are a few factors that, no matter how much instruction he receives, remain the same:
1. His perception of an event is the only one he can accept. Perhaps this will change with further instruction and encouragement.
2. If it's not reasonable to him, it doesn't count.
I'm learning how to address some of these issues. If I tell him to do something, I need to include "don't eat the daisies." This has become a helpful phrase for him, to remind him to look for 'the rest of the picture.' If I tell him to wash the dishes, I need to add to that statement that he must wash everything that remains on the counter top. And that 'these particular things' can't go in the dishwasher. In order to help him understand, it's not too much to ask that I include everything in the instructions.
However, he must learn to look past his literal tendency and 'see' what else there is. How is that accomplished? Well, I'm working on it. Once, for instance, when I asked him to wash the dishes and he ONLY washed the dishes, leaving a whole BUNCH of stuff behind, I explained it to him this way. If he asked me to make him hotdogs for dinner and I only gave him the hotdogs, on a fork, he would ask where the buns were, and the cheese, and the plate, and maybe some Bush's Beans, and a salad...you get the picture. He understood, in that moment, what I meant. It just needs to keep coming up.
Part of the problem with this is that he knows. On some level, he knows it, so when I remind him sometimes, he responds with irritation. So, when to remind and when NOT to remind, that is the question. If I send him on the task with the statement, "Let's see if you can follow the spirit of the law in this," then I can leave it alone, and only talk to him again afterwards. Of course, instruction in the difference between the Letter and the Spirit is necessary to make this work - repeated instruction.
There are some times, however, when he is agitated, no matter what. What do I do then? I tell him I'll talk to him later, when he is more reasonable, and I walk away. Arguing with a child is not appropriate anyway, but with Asperger's, if you insist on your position in that moment, they simply dig their heels in. With such high activity in his brain, he needs time for an actual PHYSICAL decompression. When he's reasonable, later, the issue MUST be addressed again. If it is not, then, in his mind, the original request/requirement was apparently not reasonable...
Another situation arises from what he sees. If someone runs into him, and appeared to be 'looking at him' then it was done on purpose. It is nearly impossible to convince him, especially if he was hurt in the process, that the other person didn't MEAN to do it. And you know, if I wasn't there, how do I know? It's a very frustrating and difficult situation. So, I've learned to deal with this one, in part, by addressing it OUT of the moment. Before it happens. Because with 5 boys in my house, you know it is going to happen. Some of this instruction is to Jon, and the rest is to the others. They have such a hard time with this, because, in their eyes, he never forgives them. Augh! Talk about tug-0-war! In many cases, they are right, because he can't see a different side to his position.
As he's gotten older, now 13, he is beginning to address these situations a little better. He still gets into it, but he cools off faster and then goes and tries to resolve the issue, usually. Huzza for him! When I see this, I always take a moment to commend him in private. Never, never, never, reprimand, or commend on a difficult issue in public - and public includes members of the family. However, commend as often as possible when others can hear, if the issue is appropriate. Like my old Sunday School teacher used to say, "Catch them doing something right."
The summary of all of this is:
1. Be consistent
2. Treat them with respect
3. Use a reasonable tone of voice
4. Pray, pray, pray, pray. And pray some more. For them and with them.
1. His perception of an event is the only one he can accept. Perhaps this will change with further instruction and encouragement.
2. If it's not reasonable to him, it doesn't count.
I'm learning how to address some of these issues. If I tell him to do something, I need to include "don't eat the daisies." This has become a helpful phrase for him, to remind him to look for 'the rest of the picture.' If I tell him to wash the dishes, I need to add to that statement that he must wash everything that remains on the counter top. And that 'these particular things' can't go in the dishwasher. In order to help him understand, it's not too much to ask that I include everything in the instructions.
However, he must learn to look past his literal tendency and 'see' what else there is. How is that accomplished? Well, I'm working on it. Once, for instance, when I asked him to wash the dishes and he ONLY washed the dishes, leaving a whole BUNCH of stuff behind, I explained it to him this way. If he asked me to make him hotdogs for dinner and I only gave him the hotdogs, on a fork, he would ask where the buns were, and the cheese, and the plate, and maybe some Bush's Beans, and a salad...you get the picture. He understood, in that moment, what I meant. It just needs to keep coming up.
Part of the problem with this is that he knows. On some level, he knows it, so when I remind him sometimes, he responds with irritation. So, when to remind and when NOT to remind, that is the question. If I send him on the task with the statement, "Let's see if you can follow the spirit of the law in this," then I can leave it alone, and only talk to him again afterwards. Of course, instruction in the difference between the Letter and the Spirit is necessary to make this work - repeated instruction.
There are some times, however, when he is agitated, no matter what. What do I do then? I tell him I'll talk to him later, when he is more reasonable, and I walk away. Arguing with a child is not appropriate anyway, but with Asperger's, if you insist on your position in that moment, they simply dig their heels in. With such high activity in his brain, he needs time for an actual PHYSICAL decompression. When he's reasonable, later, the issue MUST be addressed again. If it is not, then, in his mind, the original request/requirement was apparently not reasonable...
Another situation arises from what he sees. If someone runs into him, and appeared to be 'looking at him' then it was done on purpose. It is nearly impossible to convince him, especially if he was hurt in the process, that the other person didn't MEAN to do it. And you know, if I wasn't there, how do I know? It's a very frustrating and difficult situation. So, I've learned to deal with this one, in part, by addressing it OUT of the moment. Before it happens. Because with 5 boys in my house, you know it is going to happen. Some of this instruction is to Jon, and the rest is to the others. They have such a hard time with this, because, in their eyes, he never forgives them. Augh! Talk about tug-0-war! In many cases, they are right, because he can't see a different side to his position.
As he's gotten older, now 13, he is beginning to address these situations a little better. He still gets into it, but he cools off faster and then goes and tries to resolve the issue, usually. Huzza for him! When I see this, I always take a moment to commend him in private. Never, never, never, reprimand, or commend on a difficult issue in public - and public includes members of the family. However, commend as often as possible when others can hear, if the issue is appropriate. Like my old Sunday School teacher used to say, "Catch them doing something right."
The summary of all of this is:
1. Be consistent
2. Treat them with respect
3. Use a reasonable tone of voice
4. Pray, pray, pray, pray. And pray some more. For them and with them.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Food makes a difference
We've learned, through trial and error, that there are some food issues with an Asperger's child. It is unique to each child, but there are some common threads.
Very little carbs - this is big. They need a higher protein diet than you might imagine at first. (I think this has to do with the higher level of brain activity - this is documented in research of Asperger's.) If you can imagine a plate with a balanced meal on it, take away from the carb section and give that to the protein section. Included in this list are things like, sugars (of course!), including honey or even Agave, breads (anything with processed flour!), any grains ought to be avoided, with the occasional exception of organic oats. And yes, this includes pasta, even the 'healthy' kind. So what do they eat? Don't get me started! I'll address that one later.
Anything with dyes ought to be avoided - have you been the grocery store lately??? Just don't go! Red 40 and Yellow 5 are particularly volatile. This includes most purples, pinks, oranges, greens and browns...
Dairy is often an issue, but this is unique to each child. Take them off for 6 weeks, NO dairy, then add it back in and see what happens. Keep a log of daily diet and behavior and see if you notice anything. Ice cream is particularly bad for Jon - he's angry and picks fights the next day.
My chiropractor does a Bio-Meridian test to find out, in fine detail, what things to eat and not eat. It is very helpful. But really, much of it is trial and error - take them off of foods, rid their system of them, and then put them back, one at a time, and carefully observe. I know of no other way to be certain.
Another thing that Jon needs is to eat about every 2 hours. This may be specific to him, but it's worth mentioning. Protein, every 2 hours. An apple or orange is fine, as well, but in moderation. Veggies, raw, are best, like celery (organic only!) with nut butter. He loves spinach, so we go with that. If he's made to wait, there are some days when it gets really ugly. This may indicate a blood sugar difficulty - no wonder, since he craves sugars and often chooses them over the better foods. This is a self-government issue for him now, he's 13. I try to provide good things, and teach him the reasons for avoiding the bad stuff, but it's like he's addicted. Maybe someone who reads this will catch it and help their child before it becomes such for him/her.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, followed by dinner or bedtime snack, whichever is last. Protein, protein, protein - NO carbs!
So, what do they eat?
Keep these on hand, at all times:
nuts (organic is best) - anything they like, but walnuts, almonds, sunflower seeds are good
nut butters (organic and with no added ingredients whatsoever)
meats (you guessed it, organic, and with no nitrates/nitrites, sulphates/sulphites - have you read the packages?? These additives are everywhere.)
Fresh dark greens, organic is best.
Carrots, but in moderation
beans, bean soups, chili (watch out for the canned stuff - it's often full of sugar)
Need a quick snack when you're out? Zone bars seem best formulated, but Standard Process has the best one we've seen. We get these from the chiropractor - can't find them at the store. Go figure!
I'm sure there's more, but this is off the top of my head. Hope its helpful!
Very little carbs - this is big. They need a higher protein diet than you might imagine at first. (I think this has to do with the higher level of brain activity - this is documented in research of Asperger's.) If you can imagine a plate with a balanced meal on it, take away from the carb section and give that to the protein section. Included in this list are things like, sugars (of course!), including honey or even Agave, breads (anything with processed flour!), any grains ought to be avoided, with the occasional exception of organic oats. And yes, this includes pasta, even the 'healthy' kind. So what do they eat? Don't get me started! I'll address that one later.
Anything with dyes ought to be avoided - have you been the grocery store lately??? Just don't go! Red 40 and Yellow 5 are particularly volatile. This includes most purples, pinks, oranges, greens and browns...
Dairy is often an issue, but this is unique to each child. Take them off for 6 weeks, NO dairy, then add it back in and see what happens. Keep a log of daily diet and behavior and see if you notice anything. Ice cream is particularly bad for Jon - he's angry and picks fights the next day.
My chiropractor does a Bio-Meridian test to find out, in fine detail, what things to eat and not eat. It is very helpful. But really, much of it is trial and error - take them off of foods, rid their system of them, and then put them back, one at a time, and carefully observe. I know of no other way to be certain.
Another thing that Jon needs is to eat about every 2 hours. This may be specific to him, but it's worth mentioning. Protein, every 2 hours. An apple or orange is fine, as well, but in moderation. Veggies, raw, are best, like celery (organic only!) with nut butter. He loves spinach, so we go with that. If he's made to wait, there are some days when it gets really ugly. This may indicate a blood sugar difficulty - no wonder, since he craves sugars and often chooses them over the better foods. This is a self-government issue for him now, he's 13. I try to provide good things, and teach him the reasons for avoiding the bad stuff, but it's like he's addicted. Maybe someone who reads this will catch it and help their child before it becomes such for him/her.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, followed by dinner or bedtime snack, whichever is last. Protein, protein, protein - NO carbs!
So, what do they eat?
Keep these on hand, at all times:
nuts (organic is best) - anything they like, but walnuts, almonds, sunflower seeds are good
nut butters (organic and with no added ingredients whatsoever)
meats (you guessed it, organic, and with no nitrates/nitrites, sulphates/sulphites - have you read the packages?? These additives are everywhere.)
Fresh dark greens, organic is best.
Carrots, but in moderation
beans, bean soups, chili (watch out for the canned stuff - it's often full of sugar)
Need a quick snack when you're out? Zone bars seem best formulated, but Standard Process has the best one we've seen. We get these from the chiropractor - can't find them at the store. Go figure!
I'm sure there's more, but this is off the top of my head. Hope its helpful!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Literally Speaking...
Jon exhibits a common 'symptom' of Asperger's, legalism. He is very literal, and all his ducks need to be in a row or he gets agitated.
It is odd, however, that he can be very legalistic with others, demanding certain behavior from them, while granting license to himself. I used to think of this as rebellion, and truly, when a child is old enough to understand obedience and the biblical reasons for it, it can be. If a rule seems unreasonable to him, he feels that he simply doesn't have to follow it. However, if someone else breaks a rule that directly affects him, he's all over it. And he won't let go. Because of the literalness combined with a hyper focus, he also has trouble granting forgiveness.
In an old book, "Please Don't Eat the Daisies," there is a situation in which the Mom leaves, having told her children, generally, what was expected in her absence. When she returns, the vase on the dining room table contains only the stems of what used to be daisies. She inquires as to their fate. Finally, it becomes apparent that one of the children has EATEN them! The child in question states, simply, that 'she didn't tell them NOT to'! This is Asperger's.
A person with Asperger's often has trouble with the LETTER of the law. They think, really!, that if they did literally what you said, that they have obeyed. But the SPIRIT of the law often eludes them. How, then, are they to be taught about God? God is abstract. But don't be too hard on an Asperger child in this. Jesus had to clarify the spirit of the law to the Pharisees too. They had some trouble accepting that murder and adultery were HEART issues. Abstract.
Can such a child understand God? Given that God is at work in our lives on a regular basis, yes! God-sightings must be grabbed hold of and expressed as often as possible.
Recently, there was a report about a woman who had been recently diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 43 (I think that was her age). She expressed how she has difficulty reading facial expressions. She has learned to watch for body language and listen for voice inflections. But by the time someone is stomping out of the room, they are already offended. It is hard for these people, because they don't mean to be rude, they just don't get how their tone of voice or actions affect the people around them. Consequently, they often feel that everything they do is wrong. They often feel flawed.
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up, encouraging and meeting the need of the moment. Understanding the need helps me to speak clearly to my son, so that he can be encouraged.
It is odd, however, that he can be very legalistic with others, demanding certain behavior from them, while granting license to himself. I used to think of this as rebellion, and truly, when a child is old enough to understand obedience and the biblical reasons for it, it can be. If a rule seems unreasonable to him, he feels that he simply doesn't have to follow it. However, if someone else breaks a rule that directly affects him, he's all over it. And he won't let go. Because of the literalness combined with a hyper focus, he also has trouble granting forgiveness.
In an old book, "Please Don't Eat the Daisies," there is a situation in which the Mom leaves, having told her children, generally, what was expected in her absence. When she returns, the vase on the dining room table contains only the stems of what used to be daisies. She inquires as to their fate. Finally, it becomes apparent that one of the children has EATEN them! The child in question states, simply, that 'she didn't tell them NOT to'! This is Asperger's.
A person with Asperger's often has trouble with the LETTER of the law. They think, really!, that if they did literally what you said, that they have obeyed. But the SPIRIT of the law often eludes them. How, then, are they to be taught about God? God is abstract. But don't be too hard on an Asperger child in this. Jesus had to clarify the spirit of the law to the Pharisees too. They had some trouble accepting that murder and adultery were HEART issues. Abstract.
Can such a child understand God? Given that God is at work in our lives on a regular basis, yes! God-sightings must be grabbed hold of and expressed as often as possible.
Recently, there was a report about a woman who had been recently diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 43 (I think that was her age). She expressed how she has difficulty reading facial expressions. She has learned to watch for body language and listen for voice inflections. But by the time someone is stomping out of the room, they are already offended. It is hard for these people, because they don't mean to be rude, they just don't get how their tone of voice or actions affect the people around them. Consequently, they often feel that everything they do is wrong. They often feel flawed.
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up, encouraging and meeting the need of the moment. Understanding the need helps me to speak clearly to my son, so that he can be encouraged.
Friday, April 4, 2008
From my own experience
I'll speak first from my own experience. There is also a great deal of research in this area, and some good discussion blogs where parents can discuss with other parents the special needs of an Asperger child.
My Asperger son is 13. We have come a long way, and his condition is not as extreme as some that I have seen. Sometimes the milder cases are more difficult, because the child seems so 'normal' on so many occasions. In an extreme case, you expect the difficulties, because they are more prominent. (Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying this is 'easy.')
When Jon was born, his collar bone was broken. So he entered the world in excruciating pain. We did not know of the break until he was 4 months old! Every time I nursed him on the one side, he screamed. He only slept for a few hours at a time and when he woke up, there was always a high pitched scream. Due to the stress, I could not produce the nourishment that he needed and he began to starve. To this day, he acts as if he's starving, and must eat often, though he is so thin, we joke that if he turns to the side and sticks out his tongue, someone will mistake him for a zipper. The doctor put him on a milk formula, and because of the emergency situation, I consented. What else could I do? But it turns out that he is allergic to milk. Not so much that he could not thrive on it, but enough that it set him back.
When he was 3 I broke his collar bone again. He kept running at his sister and trying to hit her over the head with a large caste iron truck. Even though I reprimanded him, he simply laughed and continued. I suppose I should have simply taken the truck, after the first time, but I had not learned about how destructive 'threatening and repeating' is for any child, Asperger's or not. After the 4th time, I saw him running again out of the corner of my eye and reached out to stop him before he hurt his sister. I caught his hip, because he was too far away, and he flipped over on his shoulder, bending the bone in the same place it had bent before. I cried for weeks.
His favorite stuffed animal was/is Eeyore. He would sit and tickle his nose with Eeyore's tail. The poor thing is 'real' now and still ever present. I don't know how much longer his legs and ears will remain attached. The tail is LONG gone.
Typically, although I still did not understand biblical discipline (not to say I've got the corner on the market now!), I was patient with my children. Jon created a rather tense home, however, and I began to find myself at my whit's end. Purpose began to get fuzzy in disciplining them, because I felt like I had to watch every action, every minute, and I never got a break. Jon is my 4th child, so I had 4 under the age of 8 at that time. When Jon was between 5 and 7 he became violent. There were times I actually locked him out of the house because I was afraid that he would hurt us. His anger sparked quickly and ran hot. He hung onto his anger, at that hot level, for hours. I could not understand some of these episodes. It just didn't seem reasonable, even for a young child, to be angry all the time. And anger was not necessarily the reason he would lash out. One time, in his stroller, at about age 2, his brother walked past and Jon reached out and smacked him, hard, completely unprovoked. Then he sat back and looked around as if nothing had happened. By the time he was 7, he would run outside and climb the tall pine in our front yard. He'd stay there for hours. I was seriously afraid someone would call the police.
By this time, I began to doubt God's wisdom in giving me these children. I became certain that I was a terrible mother and that maybe I should let someone else raise them. Nothing I did, though I began to research biblical discipline and training, worked. Let me repeat it, NOTHING worked. Spankings, given with explanation and prayer, and administered without anger, simply made Jon more angry and more determined to do what he wanted to do. He was like a cat who could suddenly turn and tear streaks in your skin.
I'm out of time, but I'll post more later - perhaps my experience can help someone else.
My Asperger son is 13. We have come a long way, and his condition is not as extreme as some that I have seen. Sometimes the milder cases are more difficult, because the child seems so 'normal' on so many occasions. In an extreme case, you expect the difficulties, because they are more prominent. (Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying this is 'easy.')
When Jon was born, his collar bone was broken. So he entered the world in excruciating pain. We did not know of the break until he was 4 months old! Every time I nursed him on the one side, he screamed. He only slept for a few hours at a time and when he woke up, there was always a high pitched scream. Due to the stress, I could not produce the nourishment that he needed and he began to starve. To this day, he acts as if he's starving, and must eat often, though he is so thin, we joke that if he turns to the side and sticks out his tongue, someone will mistake him for a zipper. The doctor put him on a milk formula, and because of the emergency situation, I consented. What else could I do? But it turns out that he is allergic to milk. Not so much that he could not thrive on it, but enough that it set him back.
When he was 3 I broke his collar bone again. He kept running at his sister and trying to hit her over the head with a large caste iron truck. Even though I reprimanded him, he simply laughed and continued. I suppose I should have simply taken the truck, after the first time, but I had not learned about how destructive 'threatening and repeating' is for any child, Asperger's or not. After the 4th time, I saw him running again out of the corner of my eye and reached out to stop him before he hurt his sister. I caught his hip, because he was too far away, and he flipped over on his shoulder, bending the bone in the same place it had bent before. I cried for weeks.
His favorite stuffed animal was/is Eeyore. He would sit and tickle his nose with Eeyore's tail. The poor thing is 'real' now and still ever present. I don't know how much longer his legs and ears will remain attached. The tail is LONG gone.
Typically, although I still did not understand biblical discipline (not to say I've got the corner on the market now!), I was patient with my children. Jon created a rather tense home, however, and I began to find myself at my whit's end. Purpose began to get fuzzy in disciplining them, because I felt like I had to watch every action, every minute, and I never got a break. Jon is my 4th child, so I had 4 under the age of 8 at that time. When Jon was between 5 and 7 he became violent. There were times I actually locked him out of the house because I was afraid that he would hurt us. His anger sparked quickly and ran hot. He hung onto his anger, at that hot level, for hours. I could not understand some of these episodes. It just didn't seem reasonable, even for a young child, to be angry all the time. And anger was not necessarily the reason he would lash out. One time, in his stroller, at about age 2, his brother walked past and Jon reached out and smacked him, hard, completely unprovoked. Then he sat back and looked around as if nothing had happened. By the time he was 7, he would run outside and climb the tall pine in our front yard. He'd stay there for hours. I was seriously afraid someone would call the police.
By this time, I began to doubt God's wisdom in giving me these children. I became certain that I was a terrible mother and that maybe I should let someone else raise them. Nothing I did, though I began to research biblical discipline and training, worked. Let me repeat it, NOTHING worked. Spankings, given with explanation and prayer, and administered without anger, simply made Jon more angry and more determined to do what he wanted to do. He was like a cat who could suddenly turn and tear streaks in your skin.
I'm out of time, but I'll post more later - perhaps my experience can help someone else.
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