Friday, December 3, 2010
Asperger's and dating...
Well, we've reached that age. He is 15, will turn 16 in 10 days. As expected, there is an aspect of 'hyper focus.' His girlfriend is...similar to him in many ways. His mother and I used to compare notes on our experiences. Things have been a little 'rocky' so-to-speak, but he is holding on like a dog with a bone. Is this a bad witch or a good witch? Hard to tell at this point. At the very least, he is one loyal 15yo young man. I've also discovered that he is quite the gentleman. Oh, and he's much cleaner than he used to be. he hem.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
One year later...
It's been nearly a year since my last post on Jon's progress. Over that last year, we've had many ups and downs. I was impressed, however, this week with Jon's quick assessment of his own behavior. We had an incident with 'controlling.' Yeah. He often thinks that if others don't do what he wants, he is in charge of making sure they don't get what THEY want. The tendency is to be manipulative, cohersive. This is not ok. As he matures, I'm seeing that although the behaviors are still there, he is responding more quickly to my questions. I try to lead him from cause to effect in these conversations, but I must admit that there are times I just want to palm strike him! (Krav maga term, lol) I have, at times, told him this. Once things calm down, he thinks its kind of funny. :-) It would take something mammoth for me to actually hit him, and he knows this.
We're still having issues with sleep...I REALLY think it has to do with exercise and food. For him, at least. He WON'T eat well for himself and he WON'T go to bed on time. Sigh. The consequence for him is that he still has to get up in the morning. It sucks, but it has to be done. The other morning, however, I had to drive my husband to work (because our little car blew up) and I didn't get back until less than an hour before we had to leave for our homeschool co-op. We'd had a 'conversation' the week before about how I "am supposed to get him up." Manipulative, right? Well, I wasn't there to get him up, and he didn't. I pointed out, ever so gently, that THIS is why a 14yo must learn to get himself up. He hates it when I'm right. :-) But if he doesn't get to sleep until 3am, this is too hard. I know, I've done this and even the alarm won't wake me. I was so frustrated the other morning, I almost shot him with our airsoft pistol! He got up REALLY fast. Now don't go reporting me to anybody, I used the slower speed gun (my 7yo's) and I was only going to shoot his legs through his comforter. While he high tailed it to the bathroom, I could see the silly grin on his face, though he tried to hide it from me.
At any rate, in the passing of a year, the issues are all quite the same. The progress, though slow, is continuing. I say this, hoping that some other mom who wonders if she can manage will read this and say 'if she can do it, so can I.'
We're still having issues with sleep...I REALLY think it has to do with exercise and food. For him, at least. He WON'T eat well for himself and he WON'T go to bed on time. Sigh. The consequence for him is that he still has to get up in the morning. It sucks, but it has to be done. The other morning, however, I had to drive my husband to work (because our little car blew up) and I didn't get back until less than an hour before we had to leave for our homeschool co-op. We'd had a 'conversation' the week before about how I "am supposed to get him up." Manipulative, right? Well, I wasn't there to get him up, and he didn't. I pointed out, ever so gently, that THIS is why a 14yo must learn to get himself up. He hates it when I'm right. :-) But if he doesn't get to sleep until 3am, this is too hard. I know, I've done this and even the alarm won't wake me. I was so frustrated the other morning, I almost shot him with our airsoft pistol! He got up REALLY fast. Now don't go reporting me to anybody, I used the slower speed gun (my 7yo's) and I was only going to shoot his legs through his comforter. While he high tailed it to the bathroom, I could see the silly grin on his face, though he tried to hide it from me.
At any rate, in the passing of a year, the issues are all quite the same. The progress, though slow, is continuing. I say this, hoping that some other mom who wonders if she can manage will read this and say 'if she can do it, so can I.'
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Breakthroughs and Schedules
This week has been somewhat of a breakthrough for my Jon. He had his entire life taken away because he didn't do his chores or his school work. I'm SO mean!
So today we sat down and mapped out his schedule, in order to complete his tasks by the end of the school year. One of his comments was "It would have been easier to just do it on schedule, Mom." Perhaps I let him go too long in his delusional thinking that he really didn't HAVE to do any of the stuff I'd asked. But I couldn't have asked for a better recognition on his part than that statement.
We're typing up a schedule, with a chart for him to record his work. It's a contract. It will have his signature and mine, because he is agreeing to this schedule. Buy-in. He set the schedule and he decided what he would need to do. Boo yah!
So today we sat down and mapped out his schedule, in order to complete his tasks by the end of the school year. One of his comments was "It would have been easier to just do it on schedule, Mom." Perhaps I let him go too long in his delusional thinking that he really didn't HAVE to do any of the stuff I'd asked. But I couldn't have asked for a better recognition on his part than that statement.
We're typing up a schedule, with a chart for him to record his work. It's a contract. It will have his signature and mine, because he is agreeing to this schedule. Buy-in. He set the schedule and he decided what he would need to do. Boo yah!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Obedience to the Law
Tonight, I went for a walk, alone with Jon. We had a wonderful discussion about his current question - "Is it sometimes ok to disobey the law?"
His current book series, The Warrior series, has a lot of battle scenarios. He has noticed that sometimes disobedience of the law has benefited the 'good guys.' So we discussed this for awhile. What is the criteria for determining such a choice? Clearly, 'we must obey God, rather than men.' But there is a whole lot more to this question. We discussed vigilantism. Batman. Spiderman. More of his book characters. The Brave One. (Now, don't swallow your tongue, we severely edited the movie. And frankly, I don't recommend this particular movie - too graphic! Ugly, in fact! But, as an aside, a friend of mind has gone through similar circumstance and she thought the movie was so great that she cheered.) So, when is it ok to disobey a law? Is 'benefit' a good criteria? Is safety? Is revenge?
It was a wonderful conversation and I will hold it dear to my heart. He is 13. Asperger's tends to block a person's understanding of the letter vs. the spirit of an idea. He's beginning to mull these things over for himself and is determining to come to a biblical conclusion.
We didn't come to any particular conclusions in the course of our conversation, but we decided to do a study on this topic. I'm very excited, and he expressed some excitement over it as well.
Boo yah!
His current book series, The Warrior series, has a lot of battle scenarios. He has noticed that sometimes disobedience of the law has benefited the 'good guys.' So we discussed this for awhile. What is the criteria for determining such a choice? Clearly, 'we must obey God, rather than men.' But there is a whole lot more to this question. We discussed vigilantism. Batman. Spiderman. More of his book characters. The Brave One. (Now, don't swallow your tongue, we severely edited the movie. And frankly, I don't recommend this particular movie - too graphic! Ugly, in fact! But, as an aside, a friend of mind has gone through similar circumstance and she thought the movie was so great that she cheered.) So, when is it ok to disobey a law? Is 'benefit' a good criteria? Is safety? Is revenge?
It was a wonderful conversation and I will hold it dear to my heart. He is 13. Asperger's tends to block a person's understanding of the letter vs. the spirit of an idea. He's beginning to mull these things over for himself and is determining to come to a biblical conclusion.
We didn't come to any particular conclusions in the course of our conversation, but we decided to do a study on this topic. I'm very excited, and he expressed some excitement over it as well.
Boo yah!
Monday, June 16, 2008
Exercise, Lack of Sleep and Insanity
It seems to me that these three things are very closed tied together. I know, for myself, that the times I felt like I was losing my mind were the times that I was consistently not getting any sleep. My Jonathan struggles with sleep. He just isn't tired, so it makes no sense to sleep, if you're not tired. However, if he doesn't get consistent sleep, regular times to bed and regular times to wake up, it can be one of the Dr. Jekyll days. Or weeks.
The more exercise he gets during the day, the better he sleeps. He knows this. And shooting bad guys on the computer is NOT exercise. Run, like the wind, Bullseye! Work is a good remedy for this need. And work brings with it, the reward of ownership. All around, it's a good solution. The alternative being insanity, for both him AND me, it's kind of an easy choice.
The more exercise he gets during the day, the better he sleeps. He knows this. And shooting bad guys on the computer is NOT exercise. Run, like the wind, Bullseye! Work is a good remedy for this need. And work brings with it, the reward of ownership. All around, it's a good solution. The alternative being insanity, for both him AND me, it's kind of an easy choice.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Drums
Well, I told you I'd let you know how the drums work - we tried it and I think it has been successful. It's not real drums, mind you. It's Rock Band for the 360. Nevertheless, there are drums and Jon plays them. He's got rhythm, too. Really, don't you ever want to just beat something?
Chiropractics
I know there's a lot of controversy over whether chiropractics is a good witch or a bad witch...uh, I mean a good thing. My own personal experience is that it has done a whole lot of good for me. But that's a story for another post.
I have asked my chiropractor if he will write an entry for this blog on the benefit of chiropractics for Aspies. This much I know, from my own lessons, that subluxations of the neck bones are a prime factor in brain function. Since Aspies have major issues with brain function, this seems a good avenue to explore.
If your neck is 'out' you can experience many symptoms, such as 'brain fog,' short term memory issues, or sleepiness. Stands to reason, then, that the neck holds a prime key for the brain.
Try to unlock that one!
I have asked my chiropractor if he will write an entry for this blog on the benefit of chiropractics for Aspies. This much I know, from my own lessons, that subluxations of the neck bones are a prime factor in brain function. Since Aspies have major issues with brain function, this seems a good avenue to explore.
If your neck is 'out' you can experience many symptoms, such as 'brain fog,' short term memory issues, or sleepiness. Stands to reason, then, that the neck holds a prime key for the brain.
Try to unlock that one!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Noise!
Noise has two functions in the life of an Aspie. One is made by others to irritate the Aspie and one is used by the Aspie to irritate others. Ok, that might be simplifying just a bit. But, in a nutshell, that's it.
Pencil tapping. Toe tapping. Crinkling paper. Chewing on a piece of plastic. You name it.
Ear plugs anyone??
Drums. Jon wants to play the drums. I think a musical instrument would be a good way to channel the noise factor. I'll try it and let you know. Since the Aspies are quite methodical and sequential, music is very likely an answer to...well...something.
But how to help them see that every little noise that others make is not a deliberate attempt to sabotage the Aspie's peace and quiet...I don't know! Solutions, rather than blame, is very likely the key factor here. It's funny, as in odd, how they want the authority figure to step in and 'make' it all go away (the noise, that is). But this is not a good way to encourage self-government. Repetitive noises made by him seem to soothe him, while raising the hackles of the rest of the kids. Repetitive noises made by others are apt to wake the Mr. Hyde within.
I was proud of him today. Not only did he offer to help watch the, uh, let's see...8 Probst children for a bit, along with my 5yo, but he stayed the course until he started to get a little irritated, some hour or so later. He handled it well - he came and told me he needed some down time. Who makes more repetitive noises than 5 children under the age of 8? And you should've heard the noise level in my house with 14 children, ranging in age from 4m to 17. I think the thing that impressed me most was that Jon came to me with a matter-of-fact statement, rather than a complaint. That's it for tonight - I'm going to go commend him right now.
Pencil tapping. Toe tapping. Crinkling paper. Chewing on a piece of plastic. You name it.
Ear plugs anyone??
Drums. Jon wants to play the drums. I think a musical instrument would be a good way to channel the noise factor. I'll try it and let you know. Since the Aspies are quite methodical and sequential, music is very likely an answer to...well...something.
But how to help them see that every little noise that others make is not a deliberate attempt to sabotage the Aspie's peace and quiet...I don't know! Solutions, rather than blame, is very likely the key factor here. It's funny, as in odd, how they want the authority figure to step in and 'make' it all go away (the noise, that is). But this is not a good way to encourage self-government. Repetitive noises made by him seem to soothe him, while raising the hackles of the rest of the kids. Repetitive noises made by others are apt to wake the Mr. Hyde within.
I was proud of him today. Not only did he offer to help watch the, uh, let's see...8 Probst children for a bit, along with my 5yo, but he stayed the course until he started to get a little irritated, some hour or so later. He handled it well - he came and told me he needed some down time. Who makes more repetitive noises than 5 children under the age of 8? And you should've heard the noise level in my house with 14 children, ranging in age from 4m to 17. I think the thing that impressed me most was that Jon came to me with a matter-of-fact statement, rather than a complaint. That's it for tonight - I'm going to go commend him right now.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Rats!!
The Sensory Learning Issues link isn't working. I'll see what I can do, because this is where the lady who sang to her autistic child went for help.
Tools (or are they tricks??) of the trade...
We often think of earphones as rude, an attempt by sullen teens to isolate themselves.
On the other hand, for Jon, it is an opportunity to help him focus on the task at hand. Noises and even just the normal sounds of the home can greatly distract him from his school work and this can make him very irritable. When I am teaching him, or assisting him through lessons from a book, say R&S Grammar, he often wears his headphones and connects his MP3 player. He keeps it turned down so that he can still hear me, but the beat (he would never choose a slow beat) helps his mind thump along with the lessons. I've seem him accomplish a lot in this mode.
This doesn't work in a group setting, however, so I don't allow it. But I have to say that this is something I've had to adjust my thinking on. (I know, no prepositions at the end of a sentence...!) Home schooling allows for such oddities. PS would never permit it (at least not to my knowledge).
Music in the background for the whole group often doesn't work. I like classical, or classical guitar, no words. But anything slow causes Jon to be so distracted that he can't hear. It's often better to let him choose his own and use the ear phones.
Another tool is the mini tramp. I've heard of a lot of moms who use this, not just moms of Aspies. The thing I always hear is memorization facts, such as arithmetic or spelling. They jump and go through their facts. The repeating motion of their bodies helps solidify the facts in their minds. I've not tried this, not having a mini tramp at this point, but I'm considering it, and not just for Jon. Another thing that could not be done in the PS.
Jon often has fidgety hands. I was upset once by another teacher who said that Jon was misbehaving because he wasn't sitting still. Yes, he needs to learn to sit still. But his body often seems to move independent of his mind. This is something that is much harder for him to learn than some others. My 5yo can often sit still longer than Jon, and not because we have not worked on it. It's so discouraging for him to be told he's in disobedience when he didn't even realize he was moving. One solution to this is a stress ball. If he has something in his hand that he can play with, it helps him listen. And it helps him sit still. Clay is messy, but it works, too.
An interesting story...my husband went to DeVry's to get his CIS degree. While there, he often sat in the back and played Solitaire, or some other computer game during the lecture. The teachers thought, at first, that he was being rude and not listening. They soon found, however, that when they asked questions of him, he had a better answer than many others in the class. He WAS listening - he just had to do something else while he was listening. He graduated with a senior project that the judges had trouble with, because they'd never seen anything like it! And he graduated Suma Cum Laudi. (or however you spell that!)
I find the same thing to be true of myself. I often play Cubis on line while I'm writing lesson plans. The 30 second level of organizing blocks helps me put my thoughts in order.
Obviously this is not the way it is for everyone. Some people couldn't do more than one thing at time to save their life!
Gum! Oh, yes, that nasty gum! The dreaded object of teachers and moms everywhere. If there are no stress balls, tramps, or earphones around, gum is a big help to Jon. He's mature enough not to stick it under the desk or toss in the yard. I do have to mention that he should chew with his mouth closed, but we're getting there! It helps him think.
Scent Therapy is another good avenue of help. Some scents are calming and can help a great deal during a lesson that has started out badly due to fidgeting or attitude. Lavender seems to be the highly recommended one, but Jon can't stand it. We have not yet found his 'scent.' Unless you count pop corn!
Incidentally, Aspies are often quite sensitive to scents, temperatures, etc. If it's too warm in the room, you're going to lose him before you start.
We tried Bach's Flower Remedies, Rescue Remedy. It didn't work, I'm assuming, because it does not address brain activity, but emotional overload.
Camomile Tea works for Jon. He'll go get it for himself when he feels fidgety.
Something I've heard but not tried is color coding. There is a lady in Denver who uses this to help with those who have visual processing issues. I've heard wonderful things about it. I'd explain more, but I'm not sure I have all the facts on this one.
For autism, I've heard that singing is a good help for them. I heard on the news of a little boy that did not talk until he was 5 or 6. Then one day his mom sang something too him and he began talking (well, actually, singing) and learning to read in a flash. I didn't know this when Jon was younger, but I used to do it on occasion. I would sing "Where is Jonny, where is Jonny?" to the tune of Frere Jacques. He would answer with "Here I am, here I am." I started it because often when I called him, he felt interrupted, and got agitated. Singing helped.
I know there're more...
On the other hand, for Jon, it is an opportunity to help him focus on the task at hand. Noises and even just the normal sounds of the home can greatly distract him from his school work and this can make him very irritable. When I am teaching him, or assisting him through lessons from a book, say R&S Grammar, he often wears his headphones and connects his MP3 player. He keeps it turned down so that he can still hear me, but the beat (he would never choose a slow beat) helps his mind thump along with the lessons. I've seem him accomplish a lot in this mode.
This doesn't work in a group setting, however, so I don't allow it. But I have to say that this is something I've had to adjust my thinking on. (I know, no prepositions at the end of a sentence...!) Home schooling allows for such oddities. PS would never permit it (at least not to my knowledge).
Music in the background for the whole group often doesn't work. I like classical, or classical guitar, no words. But anything slow causes Jon to be so distracted that he can't hear. It's often better to let him choose his own and use the ear phones.
Another tool is the mini tramp. I've heard of a lot of moms who use this, not just moms of Aspies. The thing I always hear is memorization facts, such as arithmetic or spelling. They jump and go through their facts. The repeating motion of their bodies helps solidify the facts in their minds. I've not tried this, not having a mini tramp at this point, but I'm considering it, and not just for Jon. Another thing that could not be done in the PS.
Jon often has fidgety hands. I was upset once by another teacher who said that Jon was misbehaving because he wasn't sitting still. Yes, he needs to learn to sit still. But his body often seems to move independent of his mind. This is something that is much harder for him to learn than some others. My 5yo can often sit still longer than Jon, and not because we have not worked on it. It's so discouraging for him to be told he's in disobedience when he didn't even realize he was moving. One solution to this is a stress ball. If he has something in his hand that he can play with, it helps him listen. And it helps him sit still. Clay is messy, but it works, too.
An interesting story...my husband went to DeVry's to get his CIS degree. While there, he often sat in the back and played Solitaire, or some other computer game during the lecture. The teachers thought, at first, that he was being rude and not listening. They soon found, however, that when they asked questions of him, he had a better answer than many others in the class. He WAS listening - he just had to do something else while he was listening. He graduated with a senior project that the judges had trouble with, because they'd never seen anything like it! And he graduated Suma Cum Laudi. (or however you spell that!)
I find the same thing to be true of myself. I often play Cubis on line while I'm writing lesson plans. The 30 second level of organizing blocks helps me put my thoughts in order.
Obviously this is not the way it is for everyone. Some people couldn't do more than one thing at time to save their life!
Gum! Oh, yes, that nasty gum! The dreaded object of teachers and moms everywhere. If there are no stress balls, tramps, or earphones around, gum is a big help to Jon. He's mature enough not to stick it under the desk or toss in the yard. I do have to mention that he should chew with his mouth closed, but we're getting there! It helps him think.
Scent Therapy is another good avenue of help. Some scents are calming and can help a great deal during a lesson that has started out badly due to fidgeting or attitude. Lavender seems to be the highly recommended one, but Jon can't stand it. We have not yet found his 'scent.' Unless you count pop corn!
Incidentally, Aspies are often quite sensitive to scents, temperatures, etc. If it's too warm in the room, you're going to lose him before you start.
We tried Bach's Flower Remedies, Rescue Remedy. It didn't work, I'm assuming, because it does not address brain activity, but emotional overload.
Camomile Tea works for Jon. He'll go get it for himself when he feels fidgety.
Something I've heard but not tried is color coding. There is a lady in Denver who uses this to help with those who have visual processing issues. I've heard wonderful things about it. I'd explain more, but I'm not sure I have all the facts on this one.
For autism, I've heard that singing is a good help for them. I heard on the news of a little boy that did not talk until he was 5 or 6. Then one day his mom sang something too him and he began talking (well, actually, singing) and learning to read in a flash. I didn't know this when Jon was younger, but I used to do it on occasion. I would sing "Where is Jonny, where is Jonny?" to the tune of Frere Jacques. He would answer with "Here I am, here I am." I started it because often when I called him, he felt interrupted, and got agitated. Singing helped.
I know there're more...
Saturday, May 3, 2008
To drug or not to drug...
I was, at one point, ready to do the 'drug thing.' I'm a natural path, so you have to understand that I was at my whit's end to even consider it.
Natural stuff works, but it takes time, and sometimes that is just too much.
It's just that the side effects are also sometimes too much to consider.
Our local chiropractor has helped quite a bit, and if anyone wants his info, email me.
But I have to say that if you're not monitoring the diet, the natural stuff won't work. I've listed a book here called, "Is This Your Child?". Although I have not read it entirely, I'm convinced that it offers good advice in this area. The problem is that the diet is SO hard. Unless your whole family and all your friends do the same diet, he/she will be exposed to the soda, the crackers, the cookies, the fruities, etc. Other people will offer your children stuff that you don't want them to have and you will get looks from them that scream, "I can't believe you're depriving this child!"
I will NEVER offer sweets to someone else's child unless I have the express permission from the parents for each instance. After all the heartache I've received from others who think I'm terrible for keeping my child from eating the stuff offered at Sunday School, my conscience won't let me.
And the 'bad' foods will always be available. You can't shelter your child from them. It simply won't work. And how do you manage this diet while not sparking rebellion in your child? It's a tightrope act.
Jon is finally convinced that I want the best for him. But that is a recent development. Prior to this, even within the last year, there was quite a bit of stealing. Soda, in the middle of the night. Candies that I thought were hidden. Once, a candy bar from a store. (He got caught and was so mortified he never did it again.)
My friend healed herself of cancer. Quite a feat. Her advice to me in this area was to keep to the diet during school days. The alternative is that the child is handicapped in his learning. The bad foods have such an effect that sometimes learning is impossible. Then, on the weekend, offer one treat of his/her choice. If you keep it to that, they don't have such a strong reaction to the foods. And they don't feel quite so deprived. They get to choose, which allows them liberty. And they receive good training in how to be healthy, in body and in mind. It's good advice. Easier said, than done, however.
If anyone wants to add their thoughts to this blog, now would be the time...this is, very likely, one of the hardest things to implement in helping these children.
And if you've chosen, or are about to choose, the drug thing, I release you from guilt. Don't beat yourself up - others do that well enough.
Natural stuff works, but it takes time, and sometimes that is just too much.
It's just that the side effects are also sometimes too much to consider.
Our local chiropractor has helped quite a bit, and if anyone wants his info, email me.
But I have to say that if you're not monitoring the diet, the natural stuff won't work. I've listed a book here called, "Is This Your Child?". Although I have not read it entirely, I'm convinced that it offers good advice in this area. The problem is that the diet is SO hard. Unless your whole family and all your friends do the same diet, he/she will be exposed to the soda, the crackers, the cookies, the fruities, etc. Other people will offer your children stuff that you don't want them to have and you will get looks from them that scream, "I can't believe you're depriving this child!"
I will NEVER offer sweets to someone else's child unless I have the express permission from the parents for each instance. After all the heartache I've received from others who think I'm terrible for keeping my child from eating the stuff offered at Sunday School, my conscience won't let me.
And the 'bad' foods will always be available. You can't shelter your child from them. It simply won't work. And how do you manage this diet while not sparking rebellion in your child? It's a tightrope act.
Jon is finally convinced that I want the best for him. But that is a recent development. Prior to this, even within the last year, there was quite a bit of stealing. Soda, in the middle of the night. Candies that I thought were hidden. Once, a candy bar from a store. (He got caught and was so mortified he never did it again.)
My friend healed herself of cancer. Quite a feat. Her advice to me in this area was to keep to the diet during school days. The alternative is that the child is handicapped in his learning. The bad foods have such an effect that sometimes learning is impossible. Then, on the weekend, offer one treat of his/her choice. If you keep it to that, they don't have such a strong reaction to the foods. And they don't feel quite so deprived. They get to choose, which allows them liberty. And they receive good training in how to be healthy, in body and in mind. It's good advice. Easier said, than done, however.
If anyone wants to add their thoughts to this blog, now would be the time...this is, very likely, one of the hardest things to implement in helping these children.
And if you've chosen, or are about to choose, the drug thing, I release you from guilt. Don't beat yourself up - others do that well enough.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The Eye is the Window of the Soul
It is a common symptom of autism that the child cannot make eye contact. There is something about the eyes that greatly disturbs them. I can't help but wonder if they have a more intense view of the soul, one that we could not bear to look at either. Interesting thought, but without foundation.
Although I can't speak to all of A.S., my Jon has always needed eye contact and the opportunity to respond verbally to any commands that are given. I remember when he was around 6 or 7, we would often comment that his eyes looked as if they were spiralling. There was, apparently, too much activity in his mind to maintain good eye contact. It was only at the moment that I could get his eyes to lock on mine that I knew I finally had his attention. If I didn't, I would not be heard. Nor would he even remember that I had spoken to him.
I have often thought that reaching his soul would be through his eyes. For that reason, I make certain that we make eye contact as often as possible, so that he can 'read' me and I can 'read' him. Without it, there seems to be no understanding between us. Even with this, we are often at an impasse. It is of the utmost importance that he 'see' the Spirit of God in my soul. Quite a challenge for Mom, who sometimes just wants to 'back off' and not face the confrontation.
Although I can't speak to all of A.S., my Jon has always needed eye contact and the opportunity to respond verbally to any commands that are given. I remember when he was around 6 or 7, we would often comment that his eyes looked as if they were spiralling. There was, apparently, too much activity in his mind to maintain good eye contact. It was only at the moment that I could get his eyes to lock on mine that I knew I finally had his attention. If I didn't, I would not be heard. Nor would he even remember that I had spoken to him.
I have often thought that reaching his soul would be through his eyes. For that reason, I make certain that we make eye contact as often as possible, so that he can 'read' me and I can 'read' him. Without it, there seems to be no understanding between us. Even with this, we are often at an impasse. It is of the utmost importance that he 'see' the Spirit of God in my soul. Quite a challenge for Mom, who sometimes just wants to 'back off' and not face the confrontation.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
It's a Family Matter
Dr. Klindt told us that A.S. is rarely an individual condition. Rather, it is in the family line. I see it in different ways in our family. One man is very stiff in all his pictures, like he is uncomfortable with his body and doesn't quite know what to do with it. One child appears to have absolutely no understanding of how her behavior affects others. A consequence of this is that blame is always placed on the other person. Another girl took a whole week to forgive herself, because she couldn't let go of something everyone had forgiven her for (and her original action was not intended to do harm). Aspies are often prone to addictions, because of their hyper focus. Oddities in speech are common. Long monologues that do not take into consideration that the other person was 'not available' or not listening.
All of these can be explained by other things...selfishness, childishness, not paying attention, sin nature...
It shows up in different ways, and is often not recognized as a 'symptom' until you have one child who is OBVIOUSLY A.S. Then behaviors in the others make a little more sense. My Becca had trouble with splitting her words in half. With coaching, she has overcome it, but occasionally it reappears.
That said, have any of you noticed anything odd about me...???? I can't help but wonder if my own perception is colored by A.S., since it is, after all, in my family line. So if it is, how would I know...?
Hm.
All of these can be explained by other things...selfishness, childishness, not paying attention, sin nature...
It shows up in different ways, and is often not recognized as a 'symptom' until you have one child who is OBVIOUSLY A.S. Then behaviors in the others make a little more sense. My Becca had trouble with splitting her words in half. With coaching, she has overcome it, but occasionally it reappears.
That said, have any of you noticed anything odd about me...???? I can't help but wonder if my own perception is colored by A.S., since it is, after all, in my family line. So if it is, how would I know...?
Hm.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Kudos
I asked Jon today if he would like to say anything on the blog. He said the only thing he would say is 'do what my Mom does.' I almost cried. He said that in everything he knows that my goal is to help him succeed.
What a milestone! Keep on, Moms! Don't give up hope for God's transforming power.
What a milestone! Keep on, Moms! Don't give up hope for God's transforming power.
Behavior Modification
This is touchy one. As Christians, we want heart change, not just behavior modification. The ODD site I just listed indicates that behavior modification is the goal. Because of my experience with Jon and several other people who are most likely A.S., I had to seriously take a look at this subject. There were many times that I felt I MUST go for behavior modification because I felt that I could not reach his heart.
The fact is, his heart is right out there on his sleeve sometimes, and other times it's stuffed away behind his odd behaviors, which are often antagonistic. Through trial and error and a LOT of prayer, I have found that I can 'catch' those moments when his heart is available to me. The other times I must pray that his heart is still available to God. (Keep in mind this is not a doctor diagnosis - I pegged ODD from my own research and found it to be consistent with Jon's behavior.)
So although the previous site claims behavior modification to be the goal, I do not accept that as my goal. I want the heart change, which we often do not see at first, to precede the outward changes. Their suggestions, however, are still the best I got in helping to manage his explosive behavior. (Before that, my consistency suffered, because nothing seemed to work.)
That said, with smaller children especially, sometimes the heart has to 'see' the result of the better behavior before it will respond. Because A.S. is a social disorder, they really can't tell how they affect others until, in a rare moment, a 'window' is opened. (Jon often doesn't see until I'm crying.) How is that window opened? I don't know! I think it is through prayer. We parents must be vigilant so that we don't miss those windows in our frustration and sometimes even our despair.
Adult aspies will often tell you that they must use behavior modification as they learn how to conduct themselves in a group setting. They might forget, for example, to greet people and, instead, they'll just launch into a conversation, sometimes without regard for your 'space bubble.' I know of a lady who is like this. In her, though, these oddities have become endearing. I guess this is because she is older and her Christian character is so evident. Anyway, they have to modify their behavior based on practice. "Remember to greet everyone and ask how they are. Then listen to their response and give one back." If they don't rehearse it, it doesn't happen. Behavior modification.
On that note, rehearsing things with your A.S. child is quite helpful. If an offensive behavior is noted, you can rehearse with them (immediately, in the moment) a 'correct' method. I must warn you that if you start this you must be prepared to go long. It takes a long time and a lot of rehearsing. And I like that the ODD site says to 'target' certain behaviors rather than ALL of them. Just one or two will do. Then move on to another one when those first ones are under better control.
As an example, if your child throws things because he wants your attention, you can stop what you are doing and demonstrate how he/she can get your attention in a better way, say by putting his hand on your hip and waiting for a response from you. I can hear some of you saying, 'ri-i-ght!'. It works, it just takes a lot of practice. And your friends will simply have to understand why you gave your attention to the child in the middle of their conversation.
One more thought on this subject. You need a break sometimes. This kind of child rearing is tiring and often frustrating. You need to have a moment or two to have a complete conversation or to go out of the house and have a cup of coffee with a friend for an hour or two. This is crucial for your own sanity. Don't despair of ever getting that break. Pray. God WILL supply. And it WILL get easier. Stay the course.
The fact is, his heart is right out there on his sleeve sometimes, and other times it's stuffed away behind his odd behaviors, which are often antagonistic. Through trial and error and a LOT of prayer, I have found that I can 'catch' those moments when his heart is available to me. The other times I must pray that his heart is still available to God. (Keep in mind this is not a doctor diagnosis - I pegged ODD from my own research and found it to be consistent with Jon's behavior.)
So although the previous site claims behavior modification to be the goal, I do not accept that as my goal. I want the heart change, which we often do not see at first, to precede the outward changes. Their suggestions, however, are still the best I got in helping to manage his explosive behavior. (Before that, my consistency suffered, because nothing seemed to work.)
That said, with smaller children especially, sometimes the heart has to 'see' the result of the better behavior before it will respond. Because A.S. is a social disorder, they really can't tell how they affect others until, in a rare moment, a 'window' is opened. (Jon often doesn't see until I'm crying.) How is that window opened? I don't know! I think it is through prayer. We parents must be vigilant so that we don't miss those windows in our frustration and sometimes even our despair.
Adult aspies will often tell you that they must use behavior modification as they learn how to conduct themselves in a group setting. They might forget, for example, to greet people and, instead, they'll just launch into a conversation, sometimes without regard for your 'space bubble.' I know of a lady who is like this. In her, though, these oddities have become endearing. I guess this is because she is older and her Christian character is so evident. Anyway, they have to modify their behavior based on practice. "Remember to greet everyone and ask how they are. Then listen to their response and give one back." If they don't rehearse it, it doesn't happen. Behavior modification.
On that note, rehearsing things with your A.S. child is quite helpful. If an offensive behavior is noted, you can rehearse with them (immediately, in the moment) a 'correct' method. I must warn you that if you start this you must be prepared to go long. It takes a long time and a lot of rehearsing. And I like that the ODD site says to 'target' certain behaviors rather than ALL of them. Just one or two will do. Then move on to another one when those first ones are under better control.
As an example, if your child throws things because he wants your attention, you can stop what you are doing and demonstrate how he/she can get your attention in a better way, say by putting his hand on your hip and waiting for a response from you. I can hear some of you saying, 'ri-i-ght!'. It works, it just takes a lot of practice. And your friends will simply have to understand why you gave your attention to the child in the middle of their conversation.
One more thought on this subject. You need a break sometimes. This kind of child rearing is tiring and often frustrating. You need to have a moment or two to have a complete conversation or to go out of the house and have a cup of coffee with a friend for an hour or two. This is crucial for your own sanity. Don't despair of ever getting that break. Pray. God WILL supply. And it WILL get easier. Stay the course.
My old ODD site
I found the site I used so long ago. I found it to be quite helpful on several counts.
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm
The description of ODD was so accurate it was scary.
Then they have a link to "What can be done" if you scroll down a bit. This section shows what we, as parents, teachers, anyone of influence in the child's circle, can do to make ODD 'not work'. The 1-2-3 Magic was very helpful to me.
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm
The description of ODD was so accurate it was scary.
Then they have a link to "What can be done" if you scroll down a bit. This section shows what we, as parents, teachers, anyone of influence in the child's circle, can do to make ODD 'not work'. The 1-2-3 Magic was very helpful to me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
In response to an email
I wrote this in response to an email and then thought it might be helpful here, too:
Technically, I think Asperger’s is defined by brain activity. We could not afford the brain scan, but the doc was used to interviewing kids with the disorder and said Jon was definitely Asperger’s but not an extreme case. The diagnosis included ADHD. I often wondered how you can have hyper-focus with inability to focus, but apparently it’s a common combination.
The reason AS kids are so emotional is because there is too little (or was it too much?) blood flow to the frontal lobe. This is the emotion center of the brain and why we often refer to teens as needing a lobotomy. Ha!
The other center of the brain is the Singlet. I don’t remember now if it was too much or too little blood flow, but it was the opposite of the frontal lobe. There might be some more info at the doc’s website…Dr. Klindt.
This part of my research was done some time ago. I still have a binder on it, but I’m not sure if the research has been updated.
Most people have blue/green brain scans with a little yellow, orange and maybe some red. AS kids have mostly red, with a little yellow and orange, and then some blue and green. Their brains are ‘hot zones.’
Remember the nutty professor? He missed his wedding because he was so focused on his experiment…that’s Asperger’s! He really loved her and wanted to marry her but he was so absorbed in what he was doing. It was hard for her to understand.
The thing about Asperger’s that makes it so hard for society is that it is a broad spectrum. You can have a mostly normal person with a few oddities, or you can have a child who is nearly defined as Autistic, and can hardly communicate. On the continuum, Jon is to right of center, more normal. Diane’s Jonah is to the left of center, perhaps, but I’ve seen him in his more normal states.
Dr. Dobson indicates that boys have a hormone shift somewhere between 6 and 8. This makes sense to me, observing Jon. His worst time was between those ages. And Jonah seems to be following that pattern as well. And now Jon is 13…he’s doing well, but it is still a daily struggle. Not anything like it was back then, though. I just keep wondering, what will happen when the next hormone shift occurs?
Perhaps I am not the only reason we stopped eating meat with hormones in it…maybe God led us into this for Jon, too.
If you research ODD, however, they had a website a long time ago with a list of 10 things on it. If you had 8 or more symptoms, you had ODD. Jon had all 10. He still tends to oppose everything I request, require or in any other way ask of him. If I can reason him into it, he accepts it. If I can help him come up with the idea himself, that is WAY better.
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630/DSECTION=2
Technically, I think Asperger’s is defined by brain activity. We could not afford the brain scan, but the doc was used to interviewing kids with the disorder and said Jon was definitely Asperger’s but not an extreme case. The diagnosis included ADHD. I often wondered how you can have hyper-focus with inability to focus, but apparently it’s a common combination.
The reason AS kids are so emotional is because there is too little (or was it too much?) blood flow to the frontal lobe. This is the emotion center of the brain and why we often refer to teens as needing a lobotomy. Ha!
The other center of the brain is the Singlet. I don’t remember now if it was too much or too little blood flow, but it was the opposite of the frontal lobe. There might be some more info at the doc’s website…Dr. Klindt.
This part of my research was done some time ago. I still have a binder on it, but I’m not sure if the research has been updated.
Most people have blue/green brain scans with a little yellow, orange and maybe some red. AS kids have mostly red, with a little yellow and orange, and then some blue and green. Their brains are ‘hot zones.’
Remember the nutty professor? He missed his wedding because he was so focused on his experiment…that’s Asperger’s! He really loved her and wanted to marry her but he was so absorbed in what he was doing. It was hard for her to understand.
The thing about Asperger’s that makes it so hard for society is that it is a broad spectrum. You can have a mostly normal person with a few oddities, or you can have a child who is nearly defined as Autistic, and can hardly communicate. On the continuum, Jon is to right of center, more normal. Diane’s Jonah is to the left of center, perhaps, but I’ve seen him in his more normal states.
Dr. Dobson indicates that boys have a hormone shift somewhere between 6 and 8. This makes sense to me, observing Jon. His worst time was between those ages. And Jonah seems to be following that pattern as well. And now Jon is 13…he’s doing well, but it is still a daily struggle. Not anything like it was back then, though. I just keep wondering, what will happen when the next hormone shift occurs?
Perhaps I am not the only reason we stopped eating meat with hormones in it…maybe God led us into this for Jon, too.
If you research ODD, however, they had a website a long time ago with a list of 10 things on it. If you had 8 or more symptoms, you had ODD. Jon had all 10. He still tends to oppose everything I request, require or in any other way ask of him. If I can reason him into it, he accepts it. If I can help him come up with the idea himself, that is WAY better.
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/oppositional-defiant-disorder/DS00630/DSECTION=2
Calvin and Hobbes
I tried to find a site that showed some of the clips I've seen that reminded me of Jon...here's one that almost made the grade:
http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm
When we went to see Dr. Kindt in CA, there were C & H books all over the lobby. Curious, I picked one up and began to read. (Believe it or not, I'd never read one!) One comic strip after the other struck me as "Wow! That's Jon!" I showed them to my husband, who laughed in agreement. Guess Dr. Klindt thought so too.
http://progressiveboink.com/archive/calvinhobbes.htm
When we went to see Dr. Kindt in CA, there were C & H books all over the lobby. Curious, I picked one up and began to read. (Believe it or not, I'd never read one!) One comic strip after the other struck me as "Wow! That's Jon!" I showed them to my husband, who laughed in agreement. Guess Dr. Klindt thought so too.
Web Help
I've posted some new links that might be helpful for those of you who have an A.S. child. I have not gone over these sites in detail, and when I do, I might eliminate some. In the meantime, take this as a disclaimer. I thought, however, that it might be helpful to have something up quickly for those of you who are asking questions. I know I felt that if I didn't get help quick I might not make it through.
The Voice of Truth
The best way to dispel lies is with the truth. In light of that, here's another favorite song of Jon's:
http://www.anychristianlyrics.com/index.php?cmd=6&recid=36
The writer of this song shares his testimony - he was ADD/ADHD and grew up with the sense that he was somehow flawed. This is his statement of what God can do with someone who struggles with himself.
http://www.anychristianlyrics.com/index.php?cmd=6&recid=36
The writer of this song shares his testimony - he was ADD/ADHD and grew up with the sense that he was somehow flawed. This is his statement of what God can do with someone who struggles with himself.
Spare the rod, spoil the child
I believe this to be true. A child needs correction if he is to understand the love of God. The goal of correction is to lead them to repentance. And repentance leads them to restored relationship. There must be a payment for sin, or the guilt remains, and this mars the relationship.
I would like to suggest here, though, that the 'rod' looks different for each child. My 10yo, Becca, needs only a glance or a word of reproof and she's already heading into repentance. Each child's unique personality and spiritual bent must be considered in the planning of discipline or chastisement. But for Asperger's there is more to be considered. I NEVER got a good response from spanking Jon. I never saw repentance as the result of spanking. Anger was the usual result, and he would dig in his heels more than ever. He would scream as if I was torturing him. During the time period between age 5 and 8 I thought for certain that I must be the most awful parent ever. I began to despair of ever reaching this child. I didn't understand him. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't appear to speak your language?
I'm still not certain I know how to answer these questions, conclusively. When he's not agitated it is much easier, of course. I have learned to address issues with him when he's 'out of the moment.' This requires a good bit of forethought on my part, if I'm going to address it before it happens. There's a good bit of tug-0-war, even in those in-between moments.
So if the purpose of discipline is to lead him to repentance, what does that rod look like for him?
1. I must be reasonable
2. I must not raise my voice
3. The discipline must match the crime
4. I must allow for a LOT of extra time for him to process
5. I must allow for him to have time alone to process
He must also be presented with the 'wrong' he has done, but this usually follows the long process of settling down. You've heard of berserkers, right? Consider that the Asperger's child is berserk in those highly emotional moments. They can't see, they can't hear - they are simply driven. They may not even remember correctly how they acted during those moments. So, Moms, we must wait. But he cannot repent of something he doesn't see is wrong. The Scripture is the best way to present it, I've found, for Jon. But this has come with his age. We must be very careful not to 'beat' them with the Book. If the Scripture is only used to show 'wrong,' we're setting up a good grounds for rebellion. Purpose must be given to time showing the 'right' he has done too. But again, these moments must come 'in-between.' The best time I've seen is at bed time. When everyone else is quiet, he can listen to me easier. There is also call for drawing out the good thing he just did, in the moment. But this requires discernment from us in how to address the instances.
I'll conclude with a link to a song. This is one of Jon's favorite songs of late. It clearly expresses his desire to do what is right but the feeling that he has been 'stuck'.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/breakingthehabit.html
Please keep in mind that this is not a Christian song. Nevertheless, it expresses Asperger's quite clearly.
I would like to suggest here, though, that the 'rod' looks different for each child. My 10yo, Becca, needs only a glance or a word of reproof and she's already heading into repentance. Each child's unique personality and spiritual bent must be considered in the planning of discipline or chastisement. But for Asperger's there is more to be considered. I NEVER got a good response from spanking Jon. I never saw repentance as the result of spanking. Anger was the usual result, and he would dig in his heels more than ever. He would scream as if I was torturing him. During the time period between age 5 and 8 I thought for certain that I must be the most awful parent ever. I began to despair of ever reaching this child. I didn't understand him. How do you communicate with someone who doesn't appear to speak your language?
I'm still not certain I know how to answer these questions, conclusively. When he's not agitated it is much easier, of course. I have learned to address issues with him when he's 'out of the moment.' This requires a good bit of forethought on my part, if I'm going to address it before it happens. There's a good bit of tug-0-war, even in those in-between moments.
So if the purpose of discipline is to lead him to repentance, what does that rod look like for him?
1. I must be reasonable
2. I must not raise my voice
3. The discipline must match the crime
4. I must allow for a LOT of extra time for him to process
5. I must allow for him to have time alone to process
He must also be presented with the 'wrong' he has done, but this usually follows the long process of settling down. You've heard of berserkers, right? Consider that the Asperger's child is berserk in those highly emotional moments. They can't see, they can't hear - they are simply driven. They may not even remember correctly how they acted during those moments. So, Moms, we must wait. But he cannot repent of something he doesn't see is wrong. The Scripture is the best way to present it, I've found, for Jon. But this has come with his age. We must be very careful not to 'beat' them with the Book. If the Scripture is only used to show 'wrong,' we're setting up a good grounds for rebellion. Purpose must be given to time showing the 'right' he has done too. But again, these moments must come 'in-between.' The best time I've seen is at bed time. When everyone else is quiet, he can listen to me easier. There is also call for drawing out the good thing he just did, in the moment. But this requires discernment from us in how to address the instances.
I'll conclude with a link to a song. This is one of Jon's favorite songs of late. It clearly expresses his desire to do what is right but the feeling that he has been 'stuck'.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/breakingthehabit.html
Please keep in mind that this is not a Christian song. Nevertheless, it expresses Asperger's quite clearly.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Literally Speaking, Take 2
Jon's literal interpretation of what he sees and what people say are often the point of contest in our home. There are a few factors that, no matter how much instruction he receives, remain the same:
1. His perception of an event is the only one he can accept. Perhaps this will change with further instruction and encouragement.
2. If it's not reasonable to him, it doesn't count.
I'm learning how to address some of these issues. If I tell him to do something, I need to include "don't eat the daisies." This has become a helpful phrase for him, to remind him to look for 'the rest of the picture.' If I tell him to wash the dishes, I need to add to that statement that he must wash everything that remains on the counter top. And that 'these particular things' can't go in the dishwasher. In order to help him understand, it's not too much to ask that I include everything in the instructions.
However, he must learn to look past his literal tendency and 'see' what else there is. How is that accomplished? Well, I'm working on it. Once, for instance, when I asked him to wash the dishes and he ONLY washed the dishes, leaving a whole BUNCH of stuff behind, I explained it to him this way. If he asked me to make him hotdogs for dinner and I only gave him the hotdogs, on a fork, he would ask where the buns were, and the cheese, and the plate, and maybe some Bush's Beans, and a salad...you get the picture. He understood, in that moment, what I meant. It just needs to keep coming up.
Part of the problem with this is that he knows. On some level, he knows it, so when I remind him sometimes, he responds with irritation. So, when to remind and when NOT to remind, that is the question. If I send him on the task with the statement, "Let's see if you can follow the spirit of the law in this," then I can leave it alone, and only talk to him again afterwards. Of course, instruction in the difference between the Letter and the Spirit is necessary to make this work - repeated instruction.
There are some times, however, when he is agitated, no matter what. What do I do then? I tell him I'll talk to him later, when he is more reasonable, and I walk away. Arguing with a child is not appropriate anyway, but with Asperger's, if you insist on your position in that moment, they simply dig their heels in. With such high activity in his brain, he needs time for an actual PHYSICAL decompression. When he's reasonable, later, the issue MUST be addressed again. If it is not, then, in his mind, the original request/requirement was apparently not reasonable...
Another situation arises from what he sees. If someone runs into him, and appeared to be 'looking at him' then it was done on purpose. It is nearly impossible to convince him, especially if he was hurt in the process, that the other person didn't MEAN to do it. And you know, if I wasn't there, how do I know? It's a very frustrating and difficult situation. So, I've learned to deal with this one, in part, by addressing it OUT of the moment. Before it happens. Because with 5 boys in my house, you know it is going to happen. Some of this instruction is to Jon, and the rest is to the others. They have such a hard time with this, because, in their eyes, he never forgives them. Augh! Talk about tug-0-war! In many cases, they are right, because he can't see a different side to his position.
As he's gotten older, now 13, he is beginning to address these situations a little better. He still gets into it, but he cools off faster and then goes and tries to resolve the issue, usually. Huzza for him! When I see this, I always take a moment to commend him in private. Never, never, never, reprimand, or commend on a difficult issue in public - and public includes members of the family. However, commend as often as possible when others can hear, if the issue is appropriate. Like my old Sunday School teacher used to say, "Catch them doing something right."
The summary of all of this is:
1. Be consistent
2. Treat them with respect
3. Use a reasonable tone of voice
4. Pray, pray, pray, pray. And pray some more. For them and with them.
1. His perception of an event is the only one he can accept. Perhaps this will change with further instruction and encouragement.
2. If it's not reasonable to him, it doesn't count.
I'm learning how to address some of these issues. If I tell him to do something, I need to include "don't eat the daisies." This has become a helpful phrase for him, to remind him to look for 'the rest of the picture.' If I tell him to wash the dishes, I need to add to that statement that he must wash everything that remains on the counter top. And that 'these particular things' can't go in the dishwasher. In order to help him understand, it's not too much to ask that I include everything in the instructions.
However, he must learn to look past his literal tendency and 'see' what else there is. How is that accomplished? Well, I'm working on it. Once, for instance, when I asked him to wash the dishes and he ONLY washed the dishes, leaving a whole BUNCH of stuff behind, I explained it to him this way. If he asked me to make him hotdogs for dinner and I only gave him the hotdogs, on a fork, he would ask where the buns were, and the cheese, and the plate, and maybe some Bush's Beans, and a salad...you get the picture. He understood, in that moment, what I meant. It just needs to keep coming up.
Part of the problem with this is that he knows. On some level, he knows it, so when I remind him sometimes, he responds with irritation. So, when to remind and when NOT to remind, that is the question. If I send him on the task with the statement, "Let's see if you can follow the spirit of the law in this," then I can leave it alone, and only talk to him again afterwards. Of course, instruction in the difference between the Letter and the Spirit is necessary to make this work - repeated instruction.
There are some times, however, when he is agitated, no matter what. What do I do then? I tell him I'll talk to him later, when he is more reasonable, and I walk away. Arguing with a child is not appropriate anyway, but with Asperger's, if you insist on your position in that moment, they simply dig their heels in. With such high activity in his brain, he needs time for an actual PHYSICAL decompression. When he's reasonable, later, the issue MUST be addressed again. If it is not, then, in his mind, the original request/requirement was apparently not reasonable...
Another situation arises from what he sees. If someone runs into him, and appeared to be 'looking at him' then it was done on purpose. It is nearly impossible to convince him, especially if he was hurt in the process, that the other person didn't MEAN to do it. And you know, if I wasn't there, how do I know? It's a very frustrating and difficult situation. So, I've learned to deal with this one, in part, by addressing it OUT of the moment. Before it happens. Because with 5 boys in my house, you know it is going to happen. Some of this instruction is to Jon, and the rest is to the others. They have such a hard time with this, because, in their eyes, he never forgives them. Augh! Talk about tug-0-war! In many cases, they are right, because he can't see a different side to his position.
As he's gotten older, now 13, he is beginning to address these situations a little better. He still gets into it, but he cools off faster and then goes and tries to resolve the issue, usually. Huzza for him! When I see this, I always take a moment to commend him in private. Never, never, never, reprimand, or commend on a difficult issue in public - and public includes members of the family. However, commend as often as possible when others can hear, if the issue is appropriate. Like my old Sunday School teacher used to say, "Catch them doing something right."
The summary of all of this is:
1. Be consistent
2. Treat them with respect
3. Use a reasonable tone of voice
4. Pray, pray, pray, pray. And pray some more. For them and with them.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Food makes a difference
We've learned, through trial and error, that there are some food issues with an Asperger's child. It is unique to each child, but there are some common threads.
Very little carbs - this is big. They need a higher protein diet than you might imagine at first. (I think this has to do with the higher level of brain activity - this is documented in research of Asperger's.) If you can imagine a plate with a balanced meal on it, take away from the carb section and give that to the protein section. Included in this list are things like, sugars (of course!), including honey or even Agave, breads (anything with processed flour!), any grains ought to be avoided, with the occasional exception of organic oats. And yes, this includes pasta, even the 'healthy' kind. So what do they eat? Don't get me started! I'll address that one later.
Anything with dyes ought to be avoided - have you been the grocery store lately??? Just don't go! Red 40 and Yellow 5 are particularly volatile. This includes most purples, pinks, oranges, greens and browns...
Dairy is often an issue, but this is unique to each child. Take them off for 6 weeks, NO dairy, then add it back in and see what happens. Keep a log of daily diet and behavior and see if you notice anything. Ice cream is particularly bad for Jon - he's angry and picks fights the next day.
My chiropractor does a Bio-Meridian test to find out, in fine detail, what things to eat and not eat. It is very helpful. But really, much of it is trial and error - take them off of foods, rid their system of them, and then put them back, one at a time, and carefully observe. I know of no other way to be certain.
Another thing that Jon needs is to eat about every 2 hours. This may be specific to him, but it's worth mentioning. Protein, every 2 hours. An apple or orange is fine, as well, but in moderation. Veggies, raw, are best, like celery (organic only!) with nut butter. He loves spinach, so we go with that. If he's made to wait, there are some days when it gets really ugly. This may indicate a blood sugar difficulty - no wonder, since he craves sugars and often chooses them over the better foods. This is a self-government issue for him now, he's 13. I try to provide good things, and teach him the reasons for avoiding the bad stuff, but it's like he's addicted. Maybe someone who reads this will catch it and help their child before it becomes such for him/her.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, followed by dinner or bedtime snack, whichever is last. Protein, protein, protein - NO carbs!
So, what do they eat?
Keep these on hand, at all times:
nuts (organic is best) - anything they like, but walnuts, almonds, sunflower seeds are good
nut butters (organic and with no added ingredients whatsoever)
meats (you guessed it, organic, and with no nitrates/nitrites, sulphates/sulphites - have you read the packages?? These additives are everywhere.)
Fresh dark greens, organic is best.
Carrots, but in moderation
beans, bean soups, chili (watch out for the canned stuff - it's often full of sugar)
Need a quick snack when you're out? Zone bars seem best formulated, but Standard Process has the best one we've seen. We get these from the chiropractor - can't find them at the store. Go figure!
I'm sure there's more, but this is off the top of my head. Hope its helpful!
Very little carbs - this is big. They need a higher protein diet than you might imagine at first. (I think this has to do with the higher level of brain activity - this is documented in research of Asperger's.) If you can imagine a plate with a balanced meal on it, take away from the carb section and give that to the protein section. Included in this list are things like, sugars (of course!), including honey or even Agave, breads (anything with processed flour!), any grains ought to be avoided, with the occasional exception of organic oats. And yes, this includes pasta, even the 'healthy' kind. So what do they eat? Don't get me started! I'll address that one later.
Anything with dyes ought to be avoided - have you been the grocery store lately??? Just don't go! Red 40 and Yellow 5 are particularly volatile. This includes most purples, pinks, oranges, greens and browns...
Dairy is often an issue, but this is unique to each child. Take them off for 6 weeks, NO dairy, then add it back in and see what happens. Keep a log of daily diet and behavior and see if you notice anything. Ice cream is particularly bad for Jon - he's angry and picks fights the next day.
My chiropractor does a Bio-Meridian test to find out, in fine detail, what things to eat and not eat. It is very helpful. But really, much of it is trial and error - take them off of foods, rid their system of them, and then put them back, one at a time, and carefully observe. I know of no other way to be certain.
Another thing that Jon needs is to eat about every 2 hours. This may be specific to him, but it's worth mentioning. Protein, every 2 hours. An apple or orange is fine, as well, but in moderation. Veggies, raw, are best, like celery (organic only!) with nut butter. He loves spinach, so we go with that. If he's made to wait, there are some days when it gets really ugly. This may indicate a blood sugar difficulty - no wonder, since he craves sugars and often chooses them over the better foods. This is a self-government issue for him now, he's 13. I try to provide good things, and teach him the reasons for avoiding the bad stuff, but it's like he's addicted. Maybe someone who reads this will catch it and help their child before it becomes such for him/her.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, followed by dinner or bedtime snack, whichever is last. Protein, protein, protein - NO carbs!
So, what do they eat?
Keep these on hand, at all times:
nuts (organic is best) - anything they like, but walnuts, almonds, sunflower seeds are good
nut butters (organic and with no added ingredients whatsoever)
meats (you guessed it, organic, and with no nitrates/nitrites, sulphates/sulphites - have you read the packages?? These additives are everywhere.)
Fresh dark greens, organic is best.
Carrots, but in moderation
beans, bean soups, chili (watch out for the canned stuff - it's often full of sugar)
Need a quick snack when you're out? Zone bars seem best formulated, but Standard Process has the best one we've seen. We get these from the chiropractor - can't find them at the store. Go figure!
I'm sure there's more, but this is off the top of my head. Hope its helpful!
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Literally Speaking...
Jon exhibits a common 'symptom' of Asperger's, legalism. He is very literal, and all his ducks need to be in a row or he gets agitated.
It is odd, however, that he can be very legalistic with others, demanding certain behavior from them, while granting license to himself. I used to think of this as rebellion, and truly, when a child is old enough to understand obedience and the biblical reasons for it, it can be. If a rule seems unreasonable to him, he feels that he simply doesn't have to follow it. However, if someone else breaks a rule that directly affects him, he's all over it. And he won't let go. Because of the literalness combined with a hyper focus, he also has trouble granting forgiveness.
In an old book, "Please Don't Eat the Daisies," there is a situation in which the Mom leaves, having told her children, generally, what was expected in her absence. When she returns, the vase on the dining room table contains only the stems of what used to be daisies. She inquires as to their fate. Finally, it becomes apparent that one of the children has EATEN them! The child in question states, simply, that 'she didn't tell them NOT to'! This is Asperger's.
A person with Asperger's often has trouble with the LETTER of the law. They think, really!, that if they did literally what you said, that they have obeyed. But the SPIRIT of the law often eludes them. How, then, are they to be taught about God? God is abstract. But don't be too hard on an Asperger child in this. Jesus had to clarify the spirit of the law to the Pharisees too. They had some trouble accepting that murder and adultery were HEART issues. Abstract.
Can such a child understand God? Given that God is at work in our lives on a regular basis, yes! God-sightings must be grabbed hold of and expressed as often as possible.
Recently, there was a report about a woman who had been recently diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 43 (I think that was her age). She expressed how she has difficulty reading facial expressions. She has learned to watch for body language and listen for voice inflections. But by the time someone is stomping out of the room, they are already offended. It is hard for these people, because they don't mean to be rude, they just don't get how their tone of voice or actions affect the people around them. Consequently, they often feel that everything they do is wrong. They often feel flawed.
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up, encouraging and meeting the need of the moment. Understanding the need helps me to speak clearly to my son, so that he can be encouraged.
It is odd, however, that he can be very legalistic with others, demanding certain behavior from them, while granting license to himself. I used to think of this as rebellion, and truly, when a child is old enough to understand obedience and the biblical reasons for it, it can be. If a rule seems unreasonable to him, he feels that he simply doesn't have to follow it. However, if someone else breaks a rule that directly affects him, he's all over it. And he won't let go. Because of the literalness combined with a hyper focus, he also has trouble granting forgiveness.
In an old book, "Please Don't Eat the Daisies," there is a situation in which the Mom leaves, having told her children, generally, what was expected in her absence. When she returns, the vase on the dining room table contains only the stems of what used to be daisies. She inquires as to their fate. Finally, it becomes apparent that one of the children has EATEN them! The child in question states, simply, that 'she didn't tell them NOT to'! This is Asperger's.
A person with Asperger's often has trouble with the LETTER of the law. They think, really!, that if they did literally what you said, that they have obeyed. But the SPIRIT of the law often eludes them. How, then, are they to be taught about God? God is abstract. But don't be too hard on an Asperger child in this. Jesus had to clarify the spirit of the law to the Pharisees too. They had some trouble accepting that murder and adultery were HEART issues. Abstract.
Can such a child understand God? Given that God is at work in our lives on a regular basis, yes! God-sightings must be grabbed hold of and expressed as often as possible.
Recently, there was a report about a woman who had been recently diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 43 (I think that was her age). She expressed how she has difficulty reading facial expressions. She has learned to watch for body language and listen for voice inflections. But by the time someone is stomping out of the room, they are already offended. It is hard for these people, because they don't mean to be rude, they just don't get how their tone of voice or actions affect the people around them. Consequently, they often feel that everything they do is wrong. They often feel flawed.
Ephesians 4:29 tells us to let no unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only what is helpful for building up, encouraging and meeting the need of the moment. Understanding the need helps me to speak clearly to my son, so that he can be encouraged.
Friday, April 4, 2008
From my own experience
I'll speak first from my own experience. There is also a great deal of research in this area, and some good discussion blogs where parents can discuss with other parents the special needs of an Asperger child.
My Asperger son is 13. We have come a long way, and his condition is not as extreme as some that I have seen. Sometimes the milder cases are more difficult, because the child seems so 'normal' on so many occasions. In an extreme case, you expect the difficulties, because they are more prominent. (Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying this is 'easy.')
When Jon was born, his collar bone was broken. So he entered the world in excruciating pain. We did not know of the break until he was 4 months old! Every time I nursed him on the one side, he screamed. He only slept for a few hours at a time and when he woke up, there was always a high pitched scream. Due to the stress, I could not produce the nourishment that he needed and he began to starve. To this day, he acts as if he's starving, and must eat often, though he is so thin, we joke that if he turns to the side and sticks out his tongue, someone will mistake him for a zipper. The doctor put him on a milk formula, and because of the emergency situation, I consented. What else could I do? But it turns out that he is allergic to milk. Not so much that he could not thrive on it, but enough that it set him back.
When he was 3 I broke his collar bone again. He kept running at his sister and trying to hit her over the head with a large caste iron truck. Even though I reprimanded him, he simply laughed and continued. I suppose I should have simply taken the truck, after the first time, but I had not learned about how destructive 'threatening and repeating' is for any child, Asperger's or not. After the 4th time, I saw him running again out of the corner of my eye and reached out to stop him before he hurt his sister. I caught his hip, because he was too far away, and he flipped over on his shoulder, bending the bone in the same place it had bent before. I cried for weeks.
His favorite stuffed animal was/is Eeyore. He would sit and tickle his nose with Eeyore's tail. The poor thing is 'real' now and still ever present. I don't know how much longer his legs and ears will remain attached. The tail is LONG gone.
Typically, although I still did not understand biblical discipline (not to say I've got the corner on the market now!), I was patient with my children. Jon created a rather tense home, however, and I began to find myself at my whit's end. Purpose began to get fuzzy in disciplining them, because I felt like I had to watch every action, every minute, and I never got a break. Jon is my 4th child, so I had 4 under the age of 8 at that time. When Jon was between 5 and 7 he became violent. There were times I actually locked him out of the house because I was afraid that he would hurt us. His anger sparked quickly and ran hot. He hung onto his anger, at that hot level, for hours. I could not understand some of these episodes. It just didn't seem reasonable, even for a young child, to be angry all the time. And anger was not necessarily the reason he would lash out. One time, in his stroller, at about age 2, his brother walked past and Jon reached out and smacked him, hard, completely unprovoked. Then he sat back and looked around as if nothing had happened. By the time he was 7, he would run outside and climb the tall pine in our front yard. He'd stay there for hours. I was seriously afraid someone would call the police.
By this time, I began to doubt God's wisdom in giving me these children. I became certain that I was a terrible mother and that maybe I should let someone else raise them. Nothing I did, though I began to research biblical discipline and training, worked. Let me repeat it, NOTHING worked. Spankings, given with explanation and prayer, and administered without anger, simply made Jon more angry and more determined to do what he wanted to do. He was like a cat who could suddenly turn and tear streaks in your skin.
I'm out of time, but I'll post more later - perhaps my experience can help someone else.
My Asperger son is 13. We have come a long way, and his condition is not as extreme as some that I have seen. Sometimes the milder cases are more difficult, because the child seems so 'normal' on so many occasions. In an extreme case, you expect the difficulties, because they are more prominent. (Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying this is 'easy.')
When Jon was born, his collar bone was broken. So he entered the world in excruciating pain. We did not know of the break until he was 4 months old! Every time I nursed him on the one side, he screamed. He only slept for a few hours at a time and when he woke up, there was always a high pitched scream. Due to the stress, I could not produce the nourishment that he needed and he began to starve. To this day, he acts as if he's starving, and must eat often, though he is so thin, we joke that if he turns to the side and sticks out his tongue, someone will mistake him for a zipper. The doctor put him on a milk formula, and because of the emergency situation, I consented. What else could I do? But it turns out that he is allergic to milk. Not so much that he could not thrive on it, but enough that it set him back.
When he was 3 I broke his collar bone again. He kept running at his sister and trying to hit her over the head with a large caste iron truck. Even though I reprimanded him, he simply laughed and continued. I suppose I should have simply taken the truck, after the first time, but I had not learned about how destructive 'threatening and repeating' is for any child, Asperger's or not. After the 4th time, I saw him running again out of the corner of my eye and reached out to stop him before he hurt his sister. I caught his hip, because he was too far away, and he flipped over on his shoulder, bending the bone in the same place it had bent before. I cried for weeks.
His favorite stuffed animal was/is Eeyore. He would sit and tickle his nose with Eeyore's tail. The poor thing is 'real' now and still ever present. I don't know how much longer his legs and ears will remain attached. The tail is LONG gone.
Typically, although I still did not understand biblical discipline (not to say I've got the corner on the market now!), I was patient with my children. Jon created a rather tense home, however, and I began to find myself at my whit's end. Purpose began to get fuzzy in disciplining them, because I felt like I had to watch every action, every minute, and I never got a break. Jon is my 4th child, so I had 4 under the age of 8 at that time. When Jon was between 5 and 7 he became violent. There were times I actually locked him out of the house because I was afraid that he would hurt us. His anger sparked quickly and ran hot. He hung onto his anger, at that hot level, for hours. I could not understand some of these episodes. It just didn't seem reasonable, even for a young child, to be angry all the time. And anger was not necessarily the reason he would lash out. One time, in his stroller, at about age 2, his brother walked past and Jon reached out and smacked him, hard, completely unprovoked. Then he sat back and looked around as if nothing had happened. By the time he was 7, he would run outside and climb the tall pine in our front yard. He'd stay there for hours. I was seriously afraid someone would call the police.
By this time, I began to doubt God's wisdom in giving me these children. I became certain that I was a terrible mother and that maybe I should let someone else raise them. Nothing I did, though I began to research biblical discipline and training, worked. Let me repeat it, NOTHING worked. Spankings, given with explanation and prayer, and administered without anger, simply made Jon more angry and more determined to do what he wanted to do. He was like a cat who could suddenly turn and tear streaks in your skin.
I'm out of time, but I'll post more later - perhaps my experience can help someone else.
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